This year I've been determined to get into the Christmas spirit. Last year, we were beyond skint (Scottish for no money!) Living off one wage since Isla's diagnosis, the extra money involved in travelling back and forth to hospital, paying for a mortgage on a house we were no longer living in and we were trying to decorate ready to sell.
Christmas the year before was spent in the high dependency ward of the children's hospital watching Isla recover from surgery to remove her primary tumour. The year before that, I was the knackered mum of three children, one just seven weeks old.
Isla is old enough this year to know what's happening and we can afford presents too. With last weeks scans being cancelled and rescheduled for next week, I have had a mini panic about getting the house cleaned and everything else organised for Christmas before hospital.
I think what has really been happening is a need to organise things within my control! I have been stressing far too much about the state of the house, where things should go and getting annoyed with whoever crosses my path (or makes a mess) while doing so. In truth I have been replaced by a nagging woman and I don't recognise her, really dislike her, which in turn is stressing me out more. Mind you having a highly strung teenage daughter doesn't help.
Last week we were supposed to be in hospital most of the week for routine scans so by now I might have an idea about the results. The MRI and MIBG was cancelled, as there was no anaesthetist available for the MRI and the hospital wanted the scans done at the same time to compare images as they're so complicated as her liver imaging is unusual.
We did go to the hospital on Friday to visit the liver professor and have an ultrasound. The liver professor had the report from an ultrasound 3 months previous and blood test results taken the day before. Isla's bloods continue to be normal, a positive sign. The prof also seemed pleased with Isla's general health and development. He did talk to us about future plans, which I must admit to taking as cup half empty. Maybe I'm just accepting that Isla's health in the future might not be as good as I'd like to think it will be. The thought of her being sick again scares me so much.
The prof wants to review Isla in a years time, if Isla's spleen is still the same size and her liver enlarged then she will have a needle liver biopsy and endoscopy to assess damage and see if that means the damage is permanent and what implications that may have for her future. She still has portal hypertension and varisces almost a year after treatment, this began after her first course of chemotherapy in May 2009, two and a half years ago. She lives with these absolutely normally just now, but if they stay, could mean more complications in the future.
I think I always focus my worries on 'what if the cancer came back and what that would mean' and ignore other possible health conditions. The fact that Isla is mostly fit and well and acting like any other 3 year old helps me stay positive, but helps me ignore the fear of bad health worries. I need to stay positive though and deal with whatever happens when/if it happens.
While in the hospital I popped into the charity office to make a donation for their Christmas family fund, which supports the families who have to spend Christmas in hospital as we did in 2009, I did this instead of giving Christmas cards this year.
The last month has seen Isla have a flu type illness followed by a cold. Friday night after the hospital Isla spiked a temperature which worried me that she was getting flu again, thankfully she didn't get a high temperature again over the weekend but I have been concerned that she was getting worse so after a phone call to the GP, she agreed to give Isla the once over. Thankfully Isla's chest was clear and she wowed the GP with her skills as a patient for a 3 year old! And of course since the GP visit Isla has appeared better although her appetite is still really poor. Hopefully tomorrow will see her improve even more and eat better.
Back to Christmas - tomorrow, we fly to London as Wednesday we have been invited to SSAFA annual Christmas Carol Concert at the Guards Chapel, Wellington Barracks. Ross will be giving a little speech, with the opportunity to publicly thank SSAFA for the support we received during Isla's illness. We will be taking the opportunity to see the Christmas lights in London, visit Hamleys toy store and the London Aquarium as well, this will definately put me in the Christmas spirit :)
Of course the anxiety about the scans is still with me, so officially given up on the diet until the New Year. Another 3lbs up - hey ho!
Monday, 5 December 2011
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Diet, Anxiety and Living with Remission
It's been a while since I last posted and there is one reason for this - diet has gone out the window. I'd like to find it again and the motivation to do it. Everyday I tell myself tomorrow will be the day! Hasta Manana, but as we were told when we were kids tomorrow never comes!?
Some days I've been good, some days I've allowed myself to give into whatever I fancy and indulging in take away food and wine. I know the reason for the comfort eating, and the general feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball and hide away from the world or fast forward life a bit - anxiety, major anxiety!
I can't convince myself to feel any other way just now. I try to think positive about a lot of things, but this anxiety will only go once Isla's dreaded scans have been and gone. We were due in at hospital a week today, for a few nights stay in hospital.
However, a phone call this morning to say the MRI has been cancelled as they can't find an anaesthetist and the flood gates have opened. The lovely secretary on the phone was very sorry, (I don't think she knew tears had started making tracks down my face), especially when I explained that it needs to be done before we see the liver professor on the Friday, a few days later. The liver professor visits from London twice a year only to oversee patients. Having the results from the MRI is obviously preferable. The secretary then went on to say that they were trying to reschedule Isla's other scans aswell to coincide with the later date offered for the MRI. I told her I would prefer that they left those dates as we will still need to see the liver professor on the Friday so we will still have to travel to hospital that week, and having the results of the ultrasound and maybe some information from the MIBG would be preferable to no information/update at all. We live 67 miles away from the hospital Isla was treated at, obviously that is a nuisance and takes over an hour and a half to get to the hospital due to the volume of traffic in the city. It's fair enough to say reschedule all the scans so they're on the same week, but for 2 reasons that is not good. 1 - we cannot reschedule to see the professor, we would have to wait for 6 months to see him on his next visit (one reason I wish we didn't live in rural Scotland). If scans are good then this is no problem, but we don't know until the scans are done. 2 - my anxiety levels are creeping up all the time and to reschedule scans would not mean that they go away, it just means they will escalate.
Hubby's had problems with high blood pressure since Isla was diagnosed, and only recently has it started to improve. A blood pressure check yesterday showed that its creeping up again. I don't think it's something that will ever go away - anxiety before scans. Our consultant is not at the hospital today, she is away on a meeting, so she can't confirm whether they will leave the other scans or reschedule, the secretary will pass on the information for her tomorrow, in the meantime I hope the other department doesn't give those appointments away to someone else and reschedule Isla for a later date.
Currently Isla is getting her major scans every 6 months, with an ultrasound and urine test every 3 months. Isla was diagnosed with stage 4 neuroblastoma at 5 months old in April 2009, she came through a lot at the very beginning of her treatment, and luckily pulled through and improved. Lately I've been thinking back to where we were 2 years ago. It was a very anxious time for us.
Isla had the intitial chemotherapy that they planned for her, but it didn't have the effect the doctors had hoped, her liver was still three quarters cancerous, so she was given another two rounds of chemotherapy and again scans performed to see if the situation had improved. With the results of those scans, the doctors in our hospital were trying to co ordinate a meeting with a doctor from Great Ormond Street Hospital and the liver professor from Kings, who became involved in Isla's care a couple of months into her treatment. A meeting was arranged in London and Isla's scan images sent down for the doctors to decide what kind of operation Isla would need. There was word of them removing half of her liver along with the main tumour on her adrenal gland, and we would have to travel to London for this operation. Unfortunately, surgeons were meant to attend this meeting to make a decision and none turned up! We were left in limbo, knowing Isla still had cancer in her primary tumour and a large area of her liver. Isla's consultant made the decision while we were waiting on decisions from elsewhere to go ahead with another round of chemotherapy. We got word that another meeting was able to be arranged over tele link with all the professionals involved but it was going to be the week before Christmas (a month away) before this could happen.
With Isla still having cancer present, another round of chemotherapy was needed. During this time, we also managed to arrange getting married at short notice and move house. Anxiety levels were at their highest during that time! We got word at this time that Isla's urine test had normal readings, so a negative for detecting her cancer! We should have been celebrating this fact, but we knew she still had cancer and we needed to know next steps..... when was the decision going to be made on cutting out the primary tumour and what was going to happen with her liver?
With Isla having had two more rounds of chemo since the last scan images, more scans were performed for an update just in time for the liver professor's bi annual visit to our hospital. The last time we'd seen him was at Yorkhill, Glasgow with the liver consultant and the oncologist overseeing her care there too. We had a big discussion about possible scenario's with Isla's liver, possible diseases or damage that may have been done and possible operations that may be needed including transplant. This time we'd be seeing him with Isla's main oncologist and the gastro doctor at the hospital who'd never seen Isla. I was annoyed with this doctor for never taking the time to visit Isla, to introduce himself to us. Isla had been in a critical state for quite a while at Yorkhill and she was only transferred back to the hospital Isla was originally treated at as long as this consultant was overseeing her care too. He never acknowledged that Isla was under his care, and I'm thankful that Isla never ran into any difficulties affecting her liver/kidneys or fluid on her abdomen again.
We got Isla's scan results at that meeting with the liver professor that the cancer was now gone from Isla's liver and the only activity was an area of her primary tumour. She'd gone from three quarters of her liver to half to nothing in those last four courses of chemotherapy. The decision was made at that meeting not to operate on her liver, but a biopsy would be done for various tests, and the hospital could go ahead and remove the primary tumour. We were given the option of trying to arrange the operation as soon as possible or waiting until after Christmas. As soon as possible was our decision, celebrating Christmas was not a priority. The operation was scheduled for the 23rd of December almost 3 weeks away.
Luckily the operation succesfully removed all her tumour which had shrunk to the size of a golf ball, but the surgeon did remove suspect tissue from her pancreas and removed two lymph nodes. These were sent for testing to see if they were just chemo damage. Unforunately, this tissue was cancerous. The cancer had a chance to spread between the last scans and the operation. Isla continued with treatment, high dose chemotherapy and bone marrow transplant, radiotherapy and then high dose vitamin a medication for 6 months. This treatment finished at the end of December last year.
During that last year of treatment Isla did not have MIBG, (an isotope that detects her type of cancer) scans, just ultrasound every 3 months, my memory completely fails me on whether she had MRI scans, as these are preferred by the liver consultant? We were due to see the liver professor at the beginning of December last year, but he couldn't travel due to the snow. His appointment was rescheduled for the beginning of February.
Isla had her end of treatment scans just prior to the visit from the liver consultant. The MIBG scan picked up activity in her liver. Otherwise the rest of Isla's scans showed no tumours or activity, and her bloodwork was improving, along with liver function. Isla's MRI scan and ultrasound showed a lumpy liver and the flow through it was restricted but ok. All tests performed on her liver have been negative for any other diseases, and the feeling is that it is just damage from the cancer and chemotherapy, and this is why it is perhaps holding onto the MIBG dye. We were hoping to be told at this point that Isla was in remission, but they couldn't conclusively say this was definately the case. As she was well and all other tests were negative for cancer, it was agreed to repeat all scans just prior to the liver consultants next visit at the beginning of June.
Four days in hospital in June, scans done and a meeting with liver professor without MRI results (as the report was not ready), only the ultrasound and intial MIBG results. The ultrasound showed a small improvement in the liver flow, spleen about the same (she has a large spleen), and once again the MIBG was picking up activity in her liver, but no report on how much at this stage. The liver professor and oncologist decided that the general feeling was the Isla was in remission, just that the damage was holding on to the dye, and we would continue to repeat all scans every 6 months in the hope that the liver improves and the activity of the dye in the liver continues to reduce so that we can say for definate "yes, she has been in remission all this time! She has just had liver damage and the liver is repairing". This is the best scenario, but it is a waiting game to see if this is the case.
Isla had an ultrasound on her abdomen performed 3 months ago, along with her urine checked. I felt that the ultrasound looked better. When the consultant phoned to give us the results of her urine test, she was also able to tell us that the last test that they were instructed to carry out on her liver biopsy had been carried out and it was negative. We had to wait 21 months for that result, a test so rare only one lab in Europe performs it, but can only do it when it has funding. A 21 month wait, but finally another negative.
So, this is where we are at today, the 6 months scan and appointment with the liver professor looming. A desperation for the scans to be done and out of the way and reassurance once more that things are improving, that Isla is in remission, as it was declared by the doctors 6 months ago. I long for the day that they can say, the MIBG scan was clear, no activity, 100%. We have to live with that element of doubt.
I have allowed myself to believe that she's in remission since the last scan, she's been very well healthwise. In January she began attending a 2-3 group three times a week and has picked up the odd sniffle. One ear and throat infection a month before last scans, which increased the anxiety then, and a couple weeks ago she became ill again. For mixing with other children of all ages in a nursery setting, she has done very well compared to some other kids which is comforting.
When she was ill a couple of weeks ago, I think she had a flu? High temperatures, clammy skin at night, sleeping or tired during day, no appetite, she had a little cough and slightly blocked nose. Of course, as scans are approaching there is an element of doubt in my mind that it was not flu, I can't help that. I need the reassurance that things are ok. Yesterday was the first day that she didn't nap throughout the day since she was not well and she was interested in food again. The tiredness and no interest in food is a worry and I try to drown out those worries, yes with comfort food and a wish to fast forward or escape from the life that we face.
I have tried to get back to a sense of normality during the last six months, think about my career and the future. It's over two and a half years since Isla's diagnosis. I was not able to return to work following maternity leave, and we have been paying the mortgage on a house that we don't live in as it was too small for our family up until last month when it finally sold - so to say money has been tight is an understatment! I am a primary school teacher, I qualified in 2004, and got my guaranteed first year teaching. Unfortunately since then I've picked up temporary jobs, not a permanent one and the situation is even worse now than it was when I started. Lots more teachers trained and less jobs, and not many permanent posts offering financial security. I don't want to work full time, I'm quite happy working days here and there as a supply teacher. But, financially I would love to have a full time permanent job to not give us that worry about the future. I just could not put up with the stress associated with a full time permanent teaching post. Morale amongst teachers is very low, many factors contributing to this, and I fear that the one day strike planned for 30 November will not be the last.
My husband is an engineer in the RAF and looking to his future. His 22 years is up in April 2013, which is not long really. The worry about a job and home for the future is there, and I do not currently have financial security to support us should he be out of work for a while. The current economic climate is a constant worry for what the future holds, will we have enough money to get a mortgage and deposit on a house, would we be able to afford rent, will there be a job for him when his time in the RAF is up? We are both studying part time in the hope of improving our job prospects. I keep reminding myself that there are more important things in life, and we definately know that, it doesn't stop the worry being there. My husband is currently based at RAF Kinloss, welfare have enabled him to stay in the area, (despite the news that the new nimrod was cancelled and then the subsequent news that the base was closing), and not move him to another base so that he can continue to be there for Isla throughout treatment, keeping Isla's treatment at the same hospital. The recent news that the army are moving into the base in July next year has raised questions as to what will happen to him from July 2012 until his time is up the following year.
Every day I tell myself how lucky we are that Isla is alive, appears well and enjoying her childhood. She is a survivor of an illness that claims the lives of too many. She was so close to losing her battle in May 2009, but she's here and to any stranger looking at her they wouldn't know what she's been through. Just last week, saw the death of a young boy of 4 years old who was diagnosed at the same time as Isla, treated in the same hospital in Glasgow. That was hard for us. Each death of a child we've met on Isla's journey is hard, each story of difficulties in treatment is hard. Even the stories of survivors and the difficulties they face is hard to hear. The death of that young boy was hard, it brings up memories of a time you've filed away, that you forget is really difficult to face. You get to know many families living with childhood cancer and it seems as if the bad news stories far outweighs the good stories. Statistics are skewed to make us believe that childhood cancer is rare, that most children survive, I wish this were true.
Today I feel let down by the 'system' for having to reschedule scans, not being able to reschedule the appointment. I hear regularly of families let down by the system, trying to arrange appointments, treatments, having to travel long distances for treatment and appointments. Always at the mercy of life outwith their control, relying on things being done in good time in the hope of the best outcome. All the waiting around that has to be done.
I wish we had more control over our lives, no reliance on the economic climate for jobs, houses, mortgages, health care. As a teenager I couldn't wait to grow up and make decisions for myself, live life the way I wanted to, no constraints, how naive I was. The things that used to make me down were not important, but I felt that things would be better once I was old enough to live my own life.
I watch my oldest two daughters, and worry for them. I want them to treasure their freedom from responsibility and things outwith their control while they can. My eldest will be sitting exams next summer and old enough to leave school, what job prospects is there out there for her? I wish the children of today had less stress on them, they deserve it before life in the grown up world.
It would be ideal to just start a new life, wipe the slate clean, take away all the bad and never have to face it again. Not have to live under a system that constrains you, controls you. Unfortunately I can't do that. I have responsibilities as a mother, my most important job, one that I treasure and want to be the best at. I also can't ignore what we've been through, in one sense it would be easy to forget it and ignore all the other children suffering, normality might come easier. I understand the people who walk away from it all. I can't and for that I will suffer anxiety, stress and worry, while also trying to be positive, upbeat, looking for fun.
So forgive me my increased anxiety just now, comfort food is the only way I know how to deal with it? 2lbs up so far, and I'm hoping it doesn't get out of control!
Thanks for reading x
Some days I've been good, some days I've allowed myself to give into whatever I fancy and indulging in take away food and wine. I know the reason for the comfort eating, and the general feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball and hide away from the world or fast forward life a bit - anxiety, major anxiety!
I can't convince myself to feel any other way just now. I try to think positive about a lot of things, but this anxiety will only go once Isla's dreaded scans have been and gone. We were due in at hospital a week today, for a few nights stay in hospital.
However, a phone call this morning to say the MRI has been cancelled as they can't find an anaesthetist and the flood gates have opened. The lovely secretary on the phone was very sorry, (I don't think she knew tears had started making tracks down my face), especially when I explained that it needs to be done before we see the liver professor on the Friday, a few days later. The liver professor visits from London twice a year only to oversee patients. Having the results from the MRI is obviously preferable. The secretary then went on to say that they were trying to reschedule Isla's other scans aswell to coincide with the later date offered for the MRI. I told her I would prefer that they left those dates as we will still need to see the liver professor on the Friday so we will still have to travel to hospital that week, and having the results of the ultrasound and maybe some information from the MIBG would be preferable to no information/update at all. We live 67 miles away from the hospital Isla was treated at, obviously that is a nuisance and takes over an hour and a half to get to the hospital due to the volume of traffic in the city. It's fair enough to say reschedule all the scans so they're on the same week, but for 2 reasons that is not good. 1 - we cannot reschedule to see the professor, we would have to wait for 6 months to see him on his next visit (one reason I wish we didn't live in rural Scotland). If scans are good then this is no problem, but we don't know until the scans are done. 2 - my anxiety levels are creeping up all the time and to reschedule scans would not mean that they go away, it just means they will escalate.
Hubby's had problems with high blood pressure since Isla was diagnosed, and only recently has it started to improve. A blood pressure check yesterday showed that its creeping up again. I don't think it's something that will ever go away - anxiety before scans. Our consultant is not at the hospital today, she is away on a meeting, so she can't confirm whether they will leave the other scans or reschedule, the secretary will pass on the information for her tomorrow, in the meantime I hope the other department doesn't give those appointments away to someone else and reschedule Isla for a later date.
Currently Isla is getting her major scans every 6 months, with an ultrasound and urine test every 3 months. Isla was diagnosed with stage 4 neuroblastoma at 5 months old in April 2009, she came through a lot at the very beginning of her treatment, and luckily pulled through and improved. Lately I've been thinking back to where we were 2 years ago. It was a very anxious time for us.
Isla had the intitial chemotherapy that they planned for her, but it didn't have the effect the doctors had hoped, her liver was still three quarters cancerous, so she was given another two rounds of chemotherapy and again scans performed to see if the situation had improved. With the results of those scans, the doctors in our hospital were trying to co ordinate a meeting with a doctor from Great Ormond Street Hospital and the liver professor from Kings, who became involved in Isla's care a couple of months into her treatment. A meeting was arranged in London and Isla's scan images sent down for the doctors to decide what kind of operation Isla would need. There was word of them removing half of her liver along with the main tumour on her adrenal gland, and we would have to travel to London for this operation. Unfortunately, surgeons were meant to attend this meeting to make a decision and none turned up! We were left in limbo, knowing Isla still had cancer in her primary tumour and a large area of her liver. Isla's consultant made the decision while we were waiting on decisions from elsewhere to go ahead with another round of chemotherapy. We got word that another meeting was able to be arranged over tele link with all the professionals involved but it was going to be the week before Christmas (a month away) before this could happen.
With Isla still having cancer present, another round of chemotherapy was needed. During this time, we also managed to arrange getting married at short notice and move house. Anxiety levels were at their highest during that time! We got word at this time that Isla's urine test had normal readings, so a negative for detecting her cancer! We should have been celebrating this fact, but we knew she still had cancer and we needed to know next steps..... when was the decision going to be made on cutting out the primary tumour and what was going to happen with her liver?
With Isla having had two more rounds of chemo since the last scan images, more scans were performed for an update just in time for the liver professor's bi annual visit to our hospital. The last time we'd seen him was at Yorkhill, Glasgow with the liver consultant and the oncologist overseeing her care there too. We had a big discussion about possible scenario's with Isla's liver, possible diseases or damage that may have been done and possible operations that may be needed including transplant. This time we'd be seeing him with Isla's main oncologist and the gastro doctor at the hospital who'd never seen Isla. I was annoyed with this doctor for never taking the time to visit Isla, to introduce himself to us. Isla had been in a critical state for quite a while at Yorkhill and she was only transferred back to the hospital Isla was originally treated at as long as this consultant was overseeing her care too. He never acknowledged that Isla was under his care, and I'm thankful that Isla never ran into any difficulties affecting her liver/kidneys or fluid on her abdomen again.
We got Isla's scan results at that meeting with the liver professor that the cancer was now gone from Isla's liver and the only activity was an area of her primary tumour. She'd gone from three quarters of her liver to half to nothing in those last four courses of chemotherapy. The decision was made at that meeting not to operate on her liver, but a biopsy would be done for various tests, and the hospital could go ahead and remove the primary tumour. We were given the option of trying to arrange the operation as soon as possible or waiting until after Christmas. As soon as possible was our decision, celebrating Christmas was not a priority. The operation was scheduled for the 23rd of December almost 3 weeks away.
Luckily the operation succesfully removed all her tumour which had shrunk to the size of a golf ball, but the surgeon did remove suspect tissue from her pancreas and removed two lymph nodes. These were sent for testing to see if they were just chemo damage. Unforunately, this tissue was cancerous. The cancer had a chance to spread between the last scans and the operation. Isla continued with treatment, high dose chemotherapy and bone marrow transplant, radiotherapy and then high dose vitamin a medication for 6 months. This treatment finished at the end of December last year.
During that last year of treatment Isla did not have MIBG, (an isotope that detects her type of cancer) scans, just ultrasound every 3 months, my memory completely fails me on whether she had MRI scans, as these are preferred by the liver consultant? We were due to see the liver professor at the beginning of December last year, but he couldn't travel due to the snow. His appointment was rescheduled for the beginning of February.
Isla had her end of treatment scans just prior to the visit from the liver consultant. The MIBG scan picked up activity in her liver. Otherwise the rest of Isla's scans showed no tumours or activity, and her bloodwork was improving, along with liver function. Isla's MRI scan and ultrasound showed a lumpy liver and the flow through it was restricted but ok. All tests performed on her liver have been negative for any other diseases, and the feeling is that it is just damage from the cancer and chemotherapy, and this is why it is perhaps holding onto the MIBG dye. We were hoping to be told at this point that Isla was in remission, but they couldn't conclusively say this was definately the case. As she was well and all other tests were negative for cancer, it was agreed to repeat all scans just prior to the liver consultants next visit at the beginning of June.
Four days in hospital in June, scans done and a meeting with liver professor without MRI results (as the report was not ready), only the ultrasound and intial MIBG results. The ultrasound showed a small improvement in the liver flow, spleen about the same (she has a large spleen), and once again the MIBG was picking up activity in her liver, but no report on how much at this stage. The liver professor and oncologist decided that the general feeling was the Isla was in remission, just that the damage was holding on to the dye, and we would continue to repeat all scans every 6 months in the hope that the liver improves and the activity of the dye in the liver continues to reduce so that we can say for definate "yes, she has been in remission all this time! She has just had liver damage and the liver is repairing". This is the best scenario, but it is a waiting game to see if this is the case.
Isla had an ultrasound on her abdomen performed 3 months ago, along with her urine checked. I felt that the ultrasound looked better. When the consultant phoned to give us the results of her urine test, she was also able to tell us that the last test that they were instructed to carry out on her liver biopsy had been carried out and it was negative. We had to wait 21 months for that result, a test so rare only one lab in Europe performs it, but can only do it when it has funding. A 21 month wait, but finally another negative.
So, this is where we are at today, the 6 months scan and appointment with the liver professor looming. A desperation for the scans to be done and out of the way and reassurance once more that things are improving, that Isla is in remission, as it was declared by the doctors 6 months ago. I long for the day that they can say, the MIBG scan was clear, no activity, 100%. We have to live with that element of doubt.
I have allowed myself to believe that she's in remission since the last scan, she's been very well healthwise. In January she began attending a 2-3 group three times a week and has picked up the odd sniffle. One ear and throat infection a month before last scans, which increased the anxiety then, and a couple weeks ago she became ill again. For mixing with other children of all ages in a nursery setting, she has done very well compared to some other kids which is comforting.
When she was ill a couple of weeks ago, I think she had a flu? High temperatures, clammy skin at night, sleeping or tired during day, no appetite, she had a little cough and slightly blocked nose. Of course, as scans are approaching there is an element of doubt in my mind that it was not flu, I can't help that. I need the reassurance that things are ok. Yesterday was the first day that she didn't nap throughout the day since she was not well and she was interested in food again. The tiredness and no interest in food is a worry and I try to drown out those worries, yes with comfort food and a wish to fast forward or escape from the life that we face.
I have tried to get back to a sense of normality during the last six months, think about my career and the future. It's over two and a half years since Isla's diagnosis. I was not able to return to work following maternity leave, and we have been paying the mortgage on a house that we don't live in as it was too small for our family up until last month when it finally sold - so to say money has been tight is an understatment! I am a primary school teacher, I qualified in 2004, and got my guaranteed first year teaching. Unfortunately since then I've picked up temporary jobs, not a permanent one and the situation is even worse now than it was when I started. Lots more teachers trained and less jobs, and not many permanent posts offering financial security. I don't want to work full time, I'm quite happy working days here and there as a supply teacher. But, financially I would love to have a full time permanent job to not give us that worry about the future. I just could not put up with the stress associated with a full time permanent teaching post. Morale amongst teachers is very low, many factors contributing to this, and I fear that the one day strike planned for 30 November will not be the last.
My husband is an engineer in the RAF and looking to his future. His 22 years is up in April 2013, which is not long really. The worry about a job and home for the future is there, and I do not currently have financial security to support us should he be out of work for a while. The current economic climate is a constant worry for what the future holds, will we have enough money to get a mortgage and deposit on a house, would we be able to afford rent, will there be a job for him when his time in the RAF is up? We are both studying part time in the hope of improving our job prospects. I keep reminding myself that there are more important things in life, and we definately know that, it doesn't stop the worry being there. My husband is currently based at RAF Kinloss, welfare have enabled him to stay in the area, (despite the news that the new nimrod was cancelled and then the subsequent news that the base was closing), and not move him to another base so that he can continue to be there for Isla throughout treatment, keeping Isla's treatment at the same hospital. The recent news that the army are moving into the base in July next year has raised questions as to what will happen to him from July 2012 until his time is up the following year.
Every day I tell myself how lucky we are that Isla is alive, appears well and enjoying her childhood. She is a survivor of an illness that claims the lives of too many. She was so close to losing her battle in May 2009, but she's here and to any stranger looking at her they wouldn't know what she's been through. Just last week, saw the death of a young boy of 4 years old who was diagnosed at the same time as Isla, treated in the same hospital in Glasgow. That was hard for us. Each death of a child we've met on Isla's journey is hard, each story of difficulties in treatment is hard. Even the stories of survivors and the difficulties they face is hard to hear. The death of that young boy was hard, it brings up memories of a time you've filed away, that you forget is really difficult to face. You get to know many families living with childhood cancer and it seems as if the bad news stories far outweighs the good stories. Statistics are skewed to make us believe that childhood cancer is rare, that most children survive, I wish this were true.
Today I feel let down by the 'system' for having to reschedule scans, not being able to reschedule the appointment. I hear regularly of families let down by the system, trying to arrange appointments, treatments, having to travel long distances for treatment and appointments. Always at the mercy of life outwith their control, relying on things being done in good time in the hope of the best outcome. All the waiting around that has to be done.
I wish we had more control over our lives, no reliance on the economic climate for jobs, houses, mortgages, health care. As a teenager I couldn't wait to grow up and make decisions for myself, live life the way I wanted to, no constraints, how naive I was. The things that used to make me down were not important, but I felt that things would be better once I was old enough to live my own life.
I watch my oldest two daughters, and worry for them. I want them to treasure their freedom from responsibility and things outwith their control while they can. My eldest will be sitting exams next summer and old enough to leave school, what job prospects is there out there for her? I wish the children of today had less stress on them, they deserve it before life in the grown up world.
It would be ideal to just start a new life, wipe the slate clean, take away all the bad and never have to face it again. Not have to live under a system that constrains you, controls you. Unfortunately I can't do that. I have responsibilities as a mother, my most important job, one that I treasure and want to be the best at. I also can't ignore what we've been through, in one sense it would be easy to forget it and ignore all the other children suffering, normality might come easier. I understand the people who walk away from it all. I can't and for that I will suffer anxiety, stress and worry, while also trying to be positive, upbeat, looking for fun.
So forgive me my increased anxiety just now, comfort food is the only way I know how to deal with it? 2lbs up so far, and I'm hoping it doesn't get out of control!
Thanks for reading x
Monday, 17 October 2011
First Gain?
Tonight it would appear that I am 1lb heavier! Not sure if this is true. Last week I was weighed first thing in the morning and this week at night, so not sure if there really is a gain?
I know that I haven't been perfect with the diet this week, so I expected to stay same weight not to gain. Last Tuesday hubby and I went out for an anniversary meal. I enjoyed my food and could not finish it and had one glass of wine. I stayed to my extra weekly points, so was planning staying good rest of week. However, Thursday arrived with a hunger that would not be satisfied by the daily points, I went to bed hungry and woke up again in the morning hungry. By Friday night I ended up having extra as I was ravenous the whole day! Aunt Flow arrived late Friday night so I thought that might explain the hunger and Saturday was the same with me feeling constantly hungry, so again I had some extra snacks on Saturday night. Sunday was back to diet, but still hungry and today I had the shakes by 11.30am with the hunger again! Was good today, until I got weighed!
When the leader of the weigh in class weighed me, she asked me if I expected it and I said I had been really hungry this week, and out for a meal and time of the month. She asked me to fill in a food diary for her to check! With the first gain of 1lb with good reason(?) not sure that I really need to do this as it's not as if I stuck to the diet and was having normal hormone levels! I said ok, but as I walked away I remembered that hubby and I are out for dinner this weekend and have bed and breakfast in a hotel, so not sure how good I will be Saturday night and Sunday morning. I'm hoping this crazy hunger I've been having will die off and return to normal so that thre rest of the week I will be good. But we'll wait and see what the scales say next week!
So, kind of a little peeved with the need for a food diary considering how good I've been up to now, I came home and opened up a box of chocolates that my mum gave me as a present and ate 5 chocolates, felt sick on the fourth one! See what happens. Off to bed now feeling sick rather than hungry, and hoping to be a good girl until Saturday night! ;)
I know that I haven't been perfect with the diet this week, so I expected to stay same weight not to gain. Last Tuesday hubby and I went out for an anniversary meal. I enjoyed my food and could not finish it and had one glass of wine. I stayed to my extra weekly points, so was planning staying good rest of week. However, Thursday arrived with a hunger that would not be satisfied by the daily points, I went to bed hungry and woke up again in the morning hungry. By Friday night I ended up having extra as I was ravenous the whole day! Aunt Flow arrived late Friday night so I thought that might explain the hunger and Saturday was the same with me feeling constantly hungry, so again I had some extra snacks on Saturday night. Sunday was back to diet, but still hungry and today I had the shakes by 11.30am with the hunger again! Was good today, until I got weighed!
When the leader of the weigh in class weighed me, she asked me if I expected it and I said I had been really hungry this week, and out for a meal and time of the month. She asked me to fill in a food diary for her to check! With the first gain of 1lb with good reason(?) not sure that I really need to do this as it's not as if I stuck to the diet and was having normal hormone levels! I said ok, but as I walked away I remembered that hubby and I are out for dinner this weekend and have bed and breakfast in a hotel, so not sure how good I will be Saturday night and Sunday morning. I'm hoping this crazy hunger I've been having will die off and return to normal so that thre rest of the week I will be good. But we'll wait and see what the scales say next week!
So, kind of a little peeved with the need for a food diary considering how good I've been up to now, I came home and opened up a box of chocolates that my mum gave me as a present and ate 5 chocolates, felt sick on the fourth one! See what happens. Off to bed now feeling sick rather than hungry, and hoping to be a good girl until Saturday night! ;)
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
One Stone Down! whoop whoop
I DID IT! This weeks weight loss was 3.5 lbs, so overall loss for 6 weeks is 1 stone 1 lb. I'm sure it is not all from this week, I was bloated last week with stomach/digestion troubles, which I used to get when stressed but haven't had for years, so a bit of the 3.5lb is definatley from previous week. When i input my weight loss into the online tracker it gave me a row for a large weight loss in one week, but I know why and I don't need the row! Ha
I'm really liking this new weight watchers plan, I'm very good during most of week and allow myself treats at weekends. I even had delicious home made chocolate cake and a cream meringue made for me by a little boy last week and a couple glasses of wine. I had the opportunity of a night out at a pub, but couldn't do that to myself! How disciplined am I????!
Tonight my husband and I are going out for an anniversary meal, so I will be enjoying my food and one glass of wine. I will use my extra weekly points to allow myself to enjoy my food, and stay disciplined the rest of the week.
I have achieved some goals as set by weight watchers, you get a sticker every 7lb and rewarded for 5% loss and 10% loss. I've listed these and other targets I want to achieve along the way. Important ones like the weight I was before Isla's diagnosis, the weight I was after having Isla, the weight before being pregnant with Isla. I'm just so pleased with myself so far to finally shift that stone and get to the weight I was before Christmas 2009 and Isla's major surgery! Next target is 6lbs down with the next half stone milestone and a further pound to get my 10%. Wish me luck!
I'm really liking this new weight watchers plan, I'm very good during most of week and allow myself treats at weekends. I even had delicious home made chocolate cake and a cream meringue made for me by a little boy last week and a couple glasses of wine. I had the opportunity of a night out at a pub, but couldn't do that to myself! How disciplined am I????!
Tonight my husband and I are going out for an anniversary meal, so I will be enjoying my food and one glass of wine. I will use my extra weekly points to allow myself to enjoy my food, and stay disciplined the rest of the week.
I have achieved some goals as set by weight watchers, you get a sticker every 7lb and rewarded for 5% loss and 10% loss. I've listed these and other targets I want to achieve along the way. Important ones like the weight I was before Isla's diagnosis, the weight I was after having Isla, the weight before being pregnant with Isla. I'm just so pleased with myself so far to finally shift that stone and get to the weight I was before Christmas 2009 and Isla's major surgery! Next target is 6lbs down with the next half stone milestone and a further pound to get my 10%. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
5 weeks in!
I didn't check in last week, I also didn't go to weigh in at class. I was happy with how I had done, but had a migraine on the night of class, so decided to give it a miss, but I was desperate to know how I'd done. I did end up looking to see if there was another class but by the time I had looked it was too late. I had a girls night out that week. A friend held a murder mystery dinner, which was good fun, and I think I managed to stay within the points?! But maybe not?
This last week was going well up until Saturday night. I was invited to an Ann Summers party on the Saturday night, and I definatley consumed too much wine and ended up having some nibbles too! Oh dear, since Saturday night I've been bloated and had a funny tum and got headaches again. Sticking to diet since Saturday, and I went to weight in today and over the two weeks I've lost 2 lb and have reached my 5% goal. Two and a half more pounds and I will have lost my first stone. Would love to achieve that by next week, but will have to see what is happening with water retention and headaches?!
This last week was going well up until Saturday night. I was invited to an Ann Summers party on the Saturday night, and I definatley consumed too much wine and ended up having some nibbles too! Oh dear, since Saturday night I've been bloated and had a funny tum and got headaches again. Sticking to diet since Saturday, and I went to weight in today and over the two weeks I've lost 2 lb and have reached my 5% goal. Two and a half more pounds and I will have lost my first stone. Would love to achieve that by next week, but will have to see what is happening with water retention and headaches?!
Monday, 19 September 2011
3rd Week and staying on track!
Third weigh in tonight, and I'm pleased to announce a loss of 2lb. Delighted again, especially as I know I have a bit of fluid retention this week. I'm finding it really easy to stay on track with the new pro points system. That 49 points set aside each week is great for the treats at the weekend. I feel like I'm dieting during the week, but that I can have treats at the weekend and plenty of them!
I have a girlie night this Saturday, food and drinks at a friends on Saturday, but I know how manageable this plan is. So the rest of the week I'll be good and allow myself treats with the girls! :)
I have a girlie night this Saturday, food and drinks at a friends on Saturday, but I know how manageable this plan is. So the rest of the week I'll be good and allow myself treats with the girls! :)
Monday, 12 September 2011
First half stone whoop whoop!
Tonights loss was 3.5 lbs! I'm amazed. It's not been like me in recent years to do so well in the first couple of weeks. I usually watch everyone else get great losses in the first few weeks while I struggle on with a pound off each time. I'm very pleased and feeling very motivated!
I was worried about what the loss would be, but, obviously didn't need to be.
I went to Leuchars Airshow on Saturday and used my weekly bonus points all in one day, which is basically what I did the previous week, but I was guesstimating?! I knew the place would be full of fast food type vans, but between my daily allowance of points plus my weekly bonus I had plenty obviously! I even had two thirds of a bottle of wine at night.
So, here's hoping the next week is succesful too. I'm at the weight I got down to on the last diet, and I had a few extra pounds at the start of this diet too.
:) :) :)
I was worried about what the loss would be, but, obviously didn't need to be.
I went to Leuchars Airshow on Saturday and used my weekly bonus points all in one day, which is basically what I did the previous week, but I was guesstimating?! I knew the place would be full of fast food type vans, but between my daily allowance of points plus my weekly bonus I had plenty obviously! I even had two thirds of a bottle of wine at night.
So, here's hoping the next week is succesful too. I'm at the weight I got down to on the last diet, and I had a few extra pounds at the start of this diet too.
:) :) :)
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
THIS TIME!
I started to diet again. Stress in life is reducing, hopefully some things are coming together and life is moving on! So, time for the diet to begin again.
I decided to try Weight Watchers rather than Slimming World this time. I definately prefer to count and keep an eye on things as I go. Mentally I get it into my head better?!
Iwent to my first class on Monday 29th August, and had my first weigh in last night. 4lbs down!
So pleased with myself, and I definately feel like I'm in the right frame of mind.
Wish me luck!
I decided to try Weight Watchers rather than Slimming World this time. I definately prefer to count and keep an eye on things as I go. Mentally I get it into my head better?!
Iwent to my first class on Monday 29th August, and had my first weigh in last night. 4lbs down!
So pleased with myself, and I definately feel like I'm in the right frame of mind.
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
BIG FAT FAIL???!!
Well people, what do I say? For a month now I've not been on the diet - oooooops!
My mum visited a month ago with a massive tin full of chocolate toffee shortbread, and when I moaned at her, she told me the girls had asked for it so she made some. This was a huge tin full of it, I intended on having one to taste, well four portions later I gave up for that day! The next morning I ate more with my morning coffee and that set me off into a baking frenzy. I ate some of my baking, not too much and intended to get back on the diet. I was doing ok, but allowing myself the odd treat, which has just developed into all the bad eating habits from before.
I have had some stresses, and unfortunately I've resorted to my usual way of coping - chocolate and cakes.
I am hoping that this confession will help me to sort myself out again. I know Easter is coming up, and then we have a week's holiday next Saturday so I'm not going to be strict with myself yet. As soon as the holiday is over, I'm back on the diet,a nd in the meantime I will cut back on the treats.
My mum visited a month ago with a massive tin full of chocolate toffee shortbread, and when I moaned at her, she told me the girls had asked for it so she made some. This was a huge tin full of it, I intended on having one to taste, well four portions later I gave up for that day! The next morning I ate more with my morning coffee and that set me off into a baking frenzy. I ate some of my baking, not too much and intended to get back on the diet. I was doing ok, but allowing myself the odd treat, which has just developed into all the bad eating habits from before.
I have had some stresses, and unfortunately I've resorted to my usual way of coping - chocolate and cakes.
I am hoping that this confession will help me to sort myself out again. I know Easter is coming up, and then we have a week's holiday next Saturday so I'm not going to be strict with myself yet. As soon as the holiday is over, I'm back on the diet,a nd in the meantime I will cut back on the treats.
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Third Weigh In
Last night's loss was 1lb, which I'm pleased with considering I had the night off for drink on Saturday. I stayed for class despite being nervous about the format, but it was fine.
During the talk, the leader was reminding people about the plan, which is handy for older members who just plod along, I was surprised at the amount of people who still don't understand or stick to the plan. I was feeling pleased with myself that I've got my head around it and the psychology behind it, despite finding it difficult the first couple of weeks. I had been punishing myself at the start for not being quick enough to understand it.
I was hoping to buy another cook book at class, but they had none left. Last night's dinner was out of the Indian book again - it was Pork Vindaloo. It was lovely but mild, especially for Vindaloo.
I've had a couple of stressful days again, and last night I ended up eating a chocolate brownie that my husband had baked the night before and then a couple of chocolate biscuits. Today, I was good up until this evening. I visited my sister late afternoon and was hungry by the time I was coming home with nothing prepared for dinner, the car turned into McDonald's! Oops. I don't really like that type of food, but the hunger got the better of me.
Tomorrow, I hope will be a better day for me mentally, so I can stick to plan and not make any more mistakes this week.
During the talk, the leader was reminding people about the plan, which is handy for older members who just plod along, I was surprised at the amount of people who still don't understand or stick to the plan. I was feeling pleased with myself that I've got my head around it and the psychology behind it, despite finding it difficult the first couple of weeks. I had been punishing myself at the start for not being quick enough to understand it.
I was hoping to buy another cook book at class, but they had none left. Last night's dinner was out of the Indian book again - it was Pork Vindaloo. It was lovely but mild, especially for Vindaloo.
I've had a couple of stressful days again, and last night I ended up eating a chocolate brownie that my husband had baked the night before and then a couple of chocolate biscuits. Today, I was good up until this evening. I visited my sister late afternoon and was hungry by the time I was coming home with nothing prepared for dinner, the car turned into McDonald's! Oops. I don't really like that type of food, but the hunger got the better of me.
Tomorrow, I hope will be a better day for me mentally, so I can stick to plan and not make any more mistakes this week.
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Was I Good?
So, last night we went out with our friends on the town. We had fajita's for dinner, and I did end up having the tortilla bread and not rice - oops!
I stuck to drinking vodka and diet coke, and at the end of the night when my friends went to get their kebab and pakora's etc, I asked for chicken tikka and rice! The man in the take away was not happy at what I was asking for, for some strange reason, but I did get my request. It helped to soak up some of the drink and although it was almost free food, the oil was some extra syns.
I have been good today, back on diet. I haven't felt hungover, just tired. Tonights dinner, was a recipe from the indian cook book - Chicken Jalfrezi with rice. It was lovely, but next time I make it I will add more spice as it was very mild. Isla was loving the sauce with some rice.
I have been good today, back on diet. I haven't felt hungover, just tired. Tonights dinner, was a recipe from the indian cook book - Chicken Jalfrezi with rice. It was lovely, but next time I make it I will add more spice as it was very mild. Isla was loving the sauce with some rice.
Saturday, 5 March 2011
Night Out
I'm apologising in advance if there is no weight loss this week as tonight I'm going out on the town!
I've been good this week so far, sticking to 15 syns, but tonight I will NOT be counting the syns in my drink. I intend to have a good day eating, sticking to the diet. I haven't decided what we're having for dinner yet, but I may just pop to the butcher this afternoon after my visit to the hairdresser, and we can have fajita's, but I'll stick to rice instead of the tortilla bread.
I can count on one hand the number of nights out we've had in the last few years, since getting pregnant, having a new born, Isla's diagnosis and treatment. We've never had a night away from Isla, just once when we all got noro virus in hospital and we couldn't be on the ward. If we have been out, we've always been conscious of the fact that we have a toddler waiting for us at home. I think we definately need the time off to let our hair down a bit, and get rid of recent stresses. So, I'm giving myself permission to have a night off, you never know I may get so sick I lose weight anyway!
I've managed a couple of zumba sessions this week and yesterday at work, I managed to get in quite a few action songs with the class I was teaching, so had some mini workouts yesterday!
So have a nice weekend everyone, I hope I do!
I've been good this week so far, sticking to 15 syns, but tonight I will NOT be counting the syns in my drink. I intend to have a good day eating, sticking to the diet. I haven't decided what we're having for dinner yet, but I may just pop to the butcher this afternoon after my visit to the hairdresser, and we can have fajita's, but I'll stick to rice instead of the tortilla bread.
I can count on one hand the number of nights out we've had in the last few years, since getting pregnant, having a new born, Isla's diagnosis and treatment. We've never had a night away from Isla, just once when we all got noro virus in hospital and we couldn't be on the ward. If we have been out, we've always been conscious of the fact that we have a toddler waiting for us at home. I think we definately need the time off to let our hair down a bit, and get rid of recent stresses. So, I'm giving myself permission to have a night off, you never know I may get so sick I lose weight anyway!
I've managed a couple of zumba sessions this week and yesterday at work, I managed to get in quite a few action songs with the class I was teaching, so had some mini workouts yesterday!
So have a nice weekend everyone, I hope I do!
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
Some piccies
the new kitchen
me with flushed cheeks from exercise
tonights dinner - tandoori chicken, rice and roast vegetables YUMMERS
Last Night's Weigh In
Last night I went to 'fat club'. I managed to lose 3.5lb since last weigh in, which was two weeks ago. I'm pleased with this, considering I had four days where I didn't stick to the diet due to stress.
I have had days where I'm still hungry after meals and syns, and not had free food in the house so have had extra syns, but I haven't felt guilty, and the scales seem to approve aswell. I think as my weight comes down I won't be able to do this.
Luckily, we've been paid so I've been able to stock up. I made chilli yesterday, which was absolutely gorgeous. It had cinnamon in it, which I've never put in before and lots of mushrooms and peppers. I was allowed a huge portion as a meal, so that's a definate plus to this diet. I also tried syn free chips the other night alongside smoked haddock and corn on the cob. I was very pleased with the chips, definately better than oven chips and a lot like home made fried chips. Got lots of fresh butcher meat in the freezer ready to make meals with. I'm currently defrosting chicken fillets but have yet to decide what I'm cooking for tonight. I bought an indian recipe book last night, so it's probably going to be curry. I do love spicy food, lots of flavour, and I have plenty of choice on this diet.
I stayed for the whole meeting last night, which I was quite nervous about. I don't really know the format of the meeting yet and didn't know what to expect. But last night was fine, we watched a dvd of inspirational stories, one guy had lost 25 stone! I am definately going to try to attend the meetings, but it takes two hours out of the evening, and I still feel strange leaving Isla?!
I have managed a little exercise this week, but definately struggle with the cross trainer with the burn. I got hold of some second hand zumba dvd's and have tried that. I definately get better exercise from this and less burn. My face goes beetroot with the exercise though. I'll definately be sticking to exercise at home for a while. Once the nights are lighter, I will get on the bike again.
It doesn't looke like it will be too long before the lighter nights, the days are stretching and the weather this week has been brilliant for the time of year. We have made a start with planting seeds etc, looks like we're going to have a lot of chilli peppers this year!
I'm hungry so I'll be off now for a plate of fat free yogurt and berries - free food!
I have had days where I'm still hungry after meals and syns, and not had free food in the house so have had extra syns, but I haven't felt guilty, and the scales seem to approve aswell. I think as my weight comes down I won't be able to do this.
Luckily, we've been paid so I've been able to stock up. I made chilli yesterday, which was absolutely gorgeous. It had cinnamon in it, which I've never put in before and lots of mushrooms and peppers. I was allowed a huge portion as a meal, so that's a definate plus to this diet. I also tried syn free chips the other night alongside smoked haddock and corn on the cob. I was very pleased with the chips, definately better than oven chips and a lot like home made fried chips. Got lots of fresh butcher meat in the freezer ready to make meals with. I'm currently defrosting chicken fillets but have yet to decide what I'm cooking for tonight. I bought an indian recipe book last night, so it's probably going to be curry. I do love spicy food, lots of flavour, and I have plenty of choice on this diet.
I stayed for the whole meeting last night, which I was quite nervous about. I don't really know the format of the meeting yet and didn't know what to expect. But last night was fine, we watched a dvd of inspirational stories, one guy had lost 25 stone! I am definately going to try to attend the meetings, but it takes two hours out of the evening, and I still feel strange leaving Isla?!
I have managed a little exercise this week, but definately struggle with the cross trainer with the burn. I got hold of some second hand zumba dvd's and have tried that. I definately get better exercise from this and less burn. My face goes beetroot with the exercise though. I'll definately be sticking to exercise at home for a while. Once the nights are lighter, I will get on the bike again.
It doesn't looke like it will be too long before the lighter nights, the days are stretching and the weather this week has been brilliant for the time of year. We have made a start with planting seeds etc, looks like we're going to have a lot of chilli peppers this year!
I'm hungry so I'll be off now for a plate of fat free yogurt and berries - free food!
Sunday, 27 February 2011
A Good Week?
Since Tuesday I've been back at my diet. On my diet plan I'm allowed 5-15 syns a day, aswell as a choice of 'free' food. There have been days where I have gone over my syns by just one or two syns, but I'm not feeling guilty about it. Today, I had all my syns with my lunch I was that hungry, I usually leave it until evening to eat my syns!?
But, mentally I'm struggling with it. I've got the hang of it. Lack of money has meant I've been relying on what we have in the house, so choice has been limited. The fitting of the kitchen was finally finished on Wednesday evening, so finally got back to oven and hob cooking, but my new oven is not as good as the old one!
The problem has been tiredness, every day I could either go for a nap early evening or I'm fallling asleep on the couch earlier than my usual bed time. I'm also a bit grumpy and short tempered, which is not really like me. I'm hoping this will pass as my body adjusts to the change in diet. I've had problems like this when I've tried low carb diets, but I think I'm having enough carbs this time? I do suffer from PCOS, which has seemed under control since having Isla, but previously my insulin levels used to go up and down depending on what was happening with my hormones (female curse).
I've made some nice dishes this week, strictly my own creations, one was a minced lamb curry with peppers, and the other has been monkfish with roasted vegetables. This is free food on the diet.
Once pay day has arrived, I will be able to get more food to add some more variety to the diet, and will try to get in more exercise.
I've been on the cross trainer a couple of times and I'm really struggling with 'the burn', which is holding me back from doing as much as I physically could. My poor muscles have forgotten what exercise is! I've got hold of some zumba DVD's to try. For now, I'd feel far more comfortable exercising in my own home. Also today I went onto wii fit, and just did the body test. I got a bit of a telling off as its been almost 2 years since I was last on - yeah I know! It was able to tell me I had gained two stone 4 lb since my last visit aswell. One good thing my wii fit age was the same as my actual age.
I'm hoping for a good loss this week, to help motivate me.
But, mentally I'm struggling with it. I've got the hang of it. Lack of money has meant I've been relying on what we have in the house, so choice has been limited. The fitting of the kitchen was finally finished on Wednesday evening, so finally got back to oven and hob cooking, but my new oven is not as good as the old one!
The problem has been tiredness, every day I could either go for a nap early evening or I'm fallling asleep on the couch earlier than my usual bed time. I'm also a bit grumpy and short tempered, which is not really like me. I'm hoping this will pass as my body adjusts to the change in diet. I've had problems like this when I've tried low carb diets, but I think I'm having enough carbs this time? I do suffer from PCOS, which has seemed under control since having Isla, but previously my insulin levels used to go up and down depending on what was happening with my hormones (female curse).
I've made some nice dishes this week, strictly my own creations, one was a minced lamb curry with peppers, and the other has been monkfish with roasted vegetables. This is free food on the diet.
Once pay day has arrived, I will be able to get more food to add some more variety to the diet, and will try to get in more exercise.
I've been on the cross trainer a couple of times and I'm really struggling with 'the burn', which is holding me back from doing as much as I physically could. My poor muscles have forgotten what exercise is! I've got hold of some zumba DVD's to try. For now, I'd feel far more comfortable exercising in my own home. Also today I went onto wii fit, and just did the body test. I got a bit of a telling off as its been almost 2 years since I was last on - yeah I know! It was able to tell me I had gained two stone 4 lb since my last visit aswell. One good thing my wii fit age was the same as my actual age.
I'm hoping for a good loss this week, to help motivate me.
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Falling at the First Hurdle!
What a week! The fitting of the kitchen is dragging on. It's been stressful and a big inconvenience. I've lived on chicken and rice for meals with the kitchen being out of bounds and limited cooking facilities.
On Friday afternoon Isla's consultant phoned to give me the results we've been waiting for. Unfortunately we did not hear what we'd been hoping. One of Isla's scans is called the MIBG scan, the dye will attach itself to neuroblastoma cells and light up the imagery to show the consultant where the cancer is. Isla's liver picked up the MIBG dye. Many consultants have looked at the imagery and discussed whether it is cancer or just a false positive. Isla's liver has always looked 'grossly abnormal' since diagnosis, the flow through it is poor and it is nodular. The consultants don't 'think' it is cancer but cannot guarantee this is the case. It may jsut be that the dye has attached itself and taken longer to filter out of the liver?! It is not bad news, but it has not been good news either. It just means we can't move on.
When the consultant was on the phone, I felt ok, reassured. I contacted my husband to get him to phone me as soon as he had the chance, and while waiting for his call, I became more and more upset. My mood for the rest of Friday and most of that night was not good. I was very down and turned to my comfort - drink and snacks! I didn't go on a binge, I had 3 vodka's with low fat crisps and a kti kat, but that eating has continued throughout the rest of the weekend.
Most of Friday evening I spent cleaning the kitchen and stocking up some of the cupboards ready to bake on Saturday. Most of Saturday was spent catching up on almost a week's worth of washing and baking for a car boot sale we held to raise money for Isla today. It has been a busy weekend. I'm glad for it as I am in a better mood for it, ready to feel positive, unfortunately the eating has not been great especially with left over home baking in the house this evening!
But, tomorrow I'm ready to climb back on the horse and get on with the diet!
On Friday afternoon Isla's consultant phoned to give me the results we've been waiting for. Unfortunately we did not hear what we'd been hoping. One of Isla's scans is called the MIBG scan, the dye will attach itself to neuroblastoma cells and light up the imagery to show the consultant where the cancer is. Isla's liver picked up the MIBG dye. Many consultants have looked at the imagery and discussed whether it is cancer or just a false positive. Isla's liver has always looked 'grossly abnormal' since diagnosis, the flow through it is poor and it is nodular. The consultants don't 'think' it is cancer but cannot guarantee this is the case. It may jsut be that the dye has attached itself and taken longer to filter out of the liver?! It is not bad news, but it has not been good news either. It just means we can't move on.
When the consultant was on the phone, I felt ok, reassured. I contacted my husband to get him to phone me as soon as he had the chance, and while waiting for his call, I became more and more upset. My mood for the rest of Friday and most of that night was not good. I was very down and turned to my comfort - drink and snacks! I didn't go on a binge, I had 3 vodka's with low fat crisps and a kti kat, but that eating has continued throughout the rest of the weekend.
Most of Friday evening I spent cleaning the kitchen and stocking up some of the cupboards ready to bake on Saturday. Most of Saturday was spent catching up on almost a week's worth of washing and baking for a car boot sale we held to raise money for Isla today. It has been a busy weekend. I'm glad for it as I am in a better mood for it, ready to feel positive, unfortunately the eating has not been great especially with left over home baking in the house this evening!
But, tomorrow I'm ready to climb back on the horse and get on with the diet!
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
One Week In
So tonight I returned to class for my first weekly weigh in. I arrived early as I wasn't planning to stay tonight. When I arrived I met in with one of the ladies that started last week too. She was telling me how she'd had a night out on Saturday with lots of food and wine, and how the hangover on the Sunday was helped with the Chinese take away! I think I've been ok this week. I am finding it difficult to get my head around the idea of not measuring certain foods and eating them freely, but it's such a change from other diets.
I think my week had a very good start, despite the news that I had to empty the kitchen and utility room by the following Monday. I got very stressed with emptying the kitchen, I was getting more worked up than I normally would. I wasn't sure if I was in a funny mood with the restriction of food and drink or just the inconvenience of having to get kitchen packed up? But I did think the stress was probably good for burning off some calories?!! The stress is also building at having to wait for results of Isla's recent scans to find out if she's in remission. We have had the result of the MRI to say that she's clear, but waiting on the MIBG scan result and the result of the urine test which picks up tumour markers. The urine results have taken up to 5 weeks before, but we've never had to wait this long for a scan result. I'm almost convinced it's good news, but would like to know for definate!
The result from first week into the diet was a loss of 2lb. I feel really disappointed with this, but then I feel disappointed that I feel disappointed! I am often like this on a first week of a diet where I don't have a big weight loss like other people do. Fellow newbie tonight had a loss of 5 1/2 lb with her meal and booze and take away!
I have to remind myself to be patient and hope that my body will accept the diet in a few weeks!
I've been having a look on the website for recipes tonight, so there's plenty I want to try once I can get back into the kitchen and cook properly. Tomorrow I will get on the cross trainer once Isla is at 2-3 club. Even though I'm feeling disappointed, I'm also very determined that I will lose weight, so it's onwards and upwards (downwards on the scales though).
I think my week had a very good start, despite the news that I had to empty the kitchen and utility room by the following Monday. I got very stressed with emptying the kitchen, I was getting more worked up than I normally would. I wasn't sure if I was in a funny mood with the restriction of food and drink or just the inconvenience of having to get kitchen packed up? But I did think the stress was probably good for burning off some calories?!! The stress is also building at having to wait for results of Isla's recent scans to find out if she's in remission. We have had the result of the MRI to say that she's clear, but waiting on the MIBG scan result and the result of the urine test which picks up tumour markers. The urine results have taken up to 5 weeks before, but we've never had to wait this long for a scan result. I'm almost convinced it's good news, but would like to know for definate!
The result from first week into the diet was a loss of 2lb. I feel really disappointed with this, but then I feel disappointed that I feel disappointed! I am often like this on a first week of a diet where I don't have a big weight loss like other people do. Fellow newbie tonight had a loss of 5 1/2 lb with her meal and booze and take away!
I have to remind myself to be patient and hope that my body will accept the diet in a few weeks!
I've been having a look on the website for recipes tonight, so there's plenty I want to try once I can get back into the kitchen and cook properly. Tomorrow I will get on the cross trainer once Isla is at 2-3 club. Even though I'm feeling disappointed, I'm also very determined that I will lose weight, so it's onwards and upwards (downwards on the scales though).
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
First Weigh-In
What a day yesterday was!
Being a stay at home mum, I've become accustomed to taking a few leisurely cups of coffee in the morning, while browsing the internet before I begin the days tasks, I'd written down a list of jobs that needed doing and that I planned to tackle. Yesterday morning, while I was enjoying my coffee the doorbell went. Stood at the door was a tall gentleman with a high-visibility jacket on (some sort of workman I deduced before opening the door!). He informed me that they were fitting a new kitchen next week, he then went on to ramble a lot, while I had a mad panic going on inside my head, I picked out the word 'boorach', amongst other things but I really didn't take in what he was saying other than he would be dropping off boxes the next day for me to pack up the kitchen and that they would be setting up a site office down the road.
We live in a house courtesy of Defence Estates as my husband is in the RAF. A letter last year had stated a new kitchen would be getting fitted in March. March is a few weeks away! My first thought was; 'oh no, I still have stuff to sort out for car boot sale next Sunday', followed by; 'where am I supposed to put all the stuff', followed by; 'I have a toddler who will not be confined to a room and staying out of kitchen', followed by; 'I'm starting a diet tomorrow'! No easy option of I can't cook we'll just have to have take-away.
While all the panic was going around my head, I was still chuckling to myself at the workman's use of the word 'boorach'. I love that word and haven't heard it in a while. I was also wondering if he'd used that word to all the other people in the street. Being in RAF houses, most people are English and might not understand it. Although when you're told your kitchen will be a 'complete boorach' for about four days, I'm reckoning they can guess what it is. If not and you're reading this -
bourach
(boor·ach) Dialect, chiefly Scot ~n.
1. small hill or mound.
2. disorganized heap or mass (as in “Last went and it turned intae a right bourach“).
3. a crowd or group of people.
4. a small, humble house.
5. a muddle; mess; state of confusion (often in “That room o’ yours is a total bourach. Get in there an’ get it tidied!“).
Coffee finished, I decided to get started in organising things. First off, the freezer. We're lucky enough we have a spare fridge/freezer in the garage. So I decided we could just use the garage one and switch off the kitchen one - the freezer in the kitchen is desperately needing defrosted and I keep trying to empty it only for hubby to keep coming home from the supermarket and filling it up again! So yesterday I took three tubs out to defrost and use up, todays lunch and dinner sorted, also be making soup today with some lovely chicken stock. Most other things fitted in garage freezer and there's a few almost empty packets to be used up this week. One job done!
Next job was just to open the garage door and sigh - where to start? I decided that I would take all the boxes for the car boot sale into the dining room just now. Of course that meant sorting out the dining room table. It turns out there was a table under all the paper and computer parts and other miscellaneous items. (Uh oh, I just turned round and there's still some items on it?) Dining room mostly sorted I started taking the boxes into the dining room and gathering other bits and pieces from around the house for the car boot sale.
With that cleared out of the garage, I managed to get round to sorting it out and putting things away in the attic. What a job that was, I eventually finished at four, apart from a few boxes that I left for hubby to put away, (my back had had enough) just in time to pick the older girls up from the bus. Isla was enjoying herself yesterday playing on her bike and car in the garage, I'm afraid the weather has been too miserable lately to get outside in them, then she had lots of fun playing with toys she'd forgotten about that I had packed up for the car boot sale!
By the time I had collected girls and came home, I managed to make dinner and get washed and changed before heading to my first fat club class. I learned many years ago, that nothing ever runs smoothly for me. Someone in their wisdom told me years ago that I wouldn't appreciate things unlessI had to work for them and overcome hurdles! I know what I thought of that then, and still feel the same way now! Think she must have been some sort of witch giving me a curse! I appreciate everything!
I arrived at fat club to a couple of queues, I decided to queue up at the first one and when it was my turn I told the lady behind the desk that I was new - I was directed to a table where another newbie was sitting having a look through her folder and the leader of the class had just started explaining how she was short of helpers tonight and didn't have the time to give us the new member talk, but if we could stay until the end she would get us registered and weighed and quickly go over the plan in about an hour and a half's time. AN HOUR AND A HALF?? Ok, I thought, it's not that bad. I don't have to rush home, hubby's with Isla, the older girls will be doing their own thing and it will give me the chance to see what the usual class is like. I've been busy since coffee this morning, I can have a seat for a whild.
The table we were sat at faced away from the rest of the hall, I turned my chair side on so I could see what was going on while also trying to speak to the other two newbies. We had a bit of a chat and laugh about why we were there. There was a long queue of ladies up one side of the hall, who then went to the other side to get weighed one by one and have a personal chat to the leader. In the middle of the hall, was a large circle of chairs, which made me instantly think of an alcoholics anonymous meeting, I started to fill with dread, please tell me we don't have to get all personal with each other about our problem eating?!
Once everyone had been weighed, the three of us newbies were invited to sit in the circle and join in the meeting with the members that stayed. About two thirds of the members just get weighed and leave. The leader had announced some winning losses and we clapped, part of me was uncomfortable, the other part of me was trying to convince myself to just accept it and enjoy. The group was having a tasting evening, quite a few members had cooked dishes and taken them in and they were enjoying the food. Us newbies were taken back to the table and quickly told about the eating plan. Then it was back into the circle for some games (mmmmmmm?) and the end of class.
We stayed and registered and then got weighed! Eventually, I got home. I tried to have a quick look through the plan, but I was also hungry so had the rest of my dinner and watched Tuesday nigths quality TV!So, I have my official start weight. I know how much weight I want to lose in total, I know how much I want to lose this year for the sake of sponsorship.
Just prior to Isla's diagnosis I had attended Weight Watchers for a few weeks so I know exactly how much I've put on during Isla's treatment - 2 stone 3.5lbs. I had put on a stone while pregnant and was already about 2 stone overweight. So the total I want to lose is 5 stone 2.5lbs. For the sake of my sponsorship I am setting a target of exactly 4 stone (56lbs) to lose by 29th November, think thats 42 weeks from yesterday?
So, first weigh in done, I've had my breakfast but still got one cup of coffee to drink. I still need to get my head around this eating plan. Luckily the garage is sorted and the freezer is almost empty. Today I will sort the stuff for car boot sale properly and get them back in the garage, ready to start packing up some kitchen stuff to store in the dining room.
Here's a fat photo - as with other people conscience of being tubby there are not many photos of me, but on Christmas day I wanted a photo with my girls. Here's me with my eldest Becky and youngest Isla.
Wish me luck!
Being a stay at home mum, I've become accustomed to taking a few leisurely cups of coffee in the morning, while browsing the internet before I begin the days tasks, I'd written down a list of jobs that needed doing and that I planned to tackle. Yesterday morning, while I was enjoying my coffee the doorbell went. Stood at the door was a tall gentleman with a high-visibility jacket on (some sort of workman I deduced before opening the door!). He informed me that they were fitting a new kitchen next week, he then went on to ramble a lot, while I had a mad panic going on inside my head, I picked out the word 'boorach', amongst other things but I really didn't take in what he was saying other than he would be dropping off boxes the next day for me to pack up the kitchen and that they would be setting up a site office down the road.
We live in a house courtesy of Defence Estates as my husband is in the RAF. A letter last year had stated a new kitchen would be getting fitted in March. March is a few weeks away! My first thought was; 'oh no, I still have stuff to sort out for car boot sale next Sunday', followed by; 'where am I supposed to put all the stuff', followed by; 'I have a toddler who will not be confined to a room and staying out of kitchen', followed by; 'I'm starting a diet tomorrow'! No easy option of I can't cook we'll just have to have take-away.
While all the panic was going around my head, I was still chuckling to myself at the workman's use of the word 'boorach'. I love that word and haven't heard it in a while. I was also wondering if he'd used that word to all the other people in the street. Being in RAF houses, most people are English and might not understand it. Although when you're told your kitchen will be a 'complete boorach' for about four days, I'm reckoning they can guess what it is. If not and you're reading this -
bourach
(boor·ach) Dialect, chiefly Scot ~n.
1. small hill or mound.
2. disorganized heap or mass (as in “Last went and it turned intae a right bourach“).
3. a crowd or group of people.
4. a small, humble house.
5. a muddle; mess; state of confusion (often in “That room o’ yours is a total bourach. Get in there an’ get it tidied!“).
Coffee finished, I decided to get started in organising things. First off, the freezer. We're lucky enough we have a spare fridge/freezer in the garage. So I decided we could just use the garage one and switch off the kitchen one - the freezer in the kitchen is desperately needing defrosted and I keep trying to empty it only for hubby to keep coming home from the supermarket and filling it up again! So yesterday I took three tubs out to defrost and use up, todays lunch and dinner sorted, also be making soup today with some lovely chicken stock. Most other things fitted in garage freezer and there's a few almost empty packets to be used up this week. One job done!
Next job was just to open the garage door and sigh - where to start? I decided that I would take all the boxes for the car boot sale into the dining room just now. Of course that meant sorting out the dining room table. It turns out there was a table under all the paper and computer parts and other miscellaneous items. (Uh oh, I just turned round and there's still some items on it?) Dining room mostly sorted I started taking the boxes into the dining room and gathering other bits and pieces from around the house for the car boot sale.
With that cleared out of the garage, I managed to get round to sorting it out and putting things away in the attic. What a job that was, I eventually finished at four, apart from a few boxes that I left for hubby to put away, (my back had had enough) just in time to pick the older girls up from the bus. Isla was enjoying herself yesterday playing on her bike and car in the garage, I'm afraid the weather has been too miserable lately to get outside in them, then she had lots of fun playing with toys she'd forgotten about that I had packed up for the car boot sale!
By the time I had collected girls and came home, I managed to make dinner and get washed and changed before heading to my first fat club class. I learned many years ago, that nothing ever runs smoothly for me. Someone in their wisdom told me years ago that I wouldn't appreciate things unlessI had to work for them and overcome hurdles! I know what I thought of that then, and still feel the same way now! Think she must have been some sort of witch giving me a curse! I appreciate everything!
I arrived at fat club to a couple of queues, I decided to queue up at the first one and when it was my turn I told the lady behind the desk that I was new - I was directed to a table where another newbie was sitting having a look through her folder and the leader of the class had just started explaining how she was short of helpers tonight and didn't have the time to give us the new member talk, but if we could stay until the end she would get us registered and weighed and quickly go over the plan in about an hour and a half's time. AN HOUR AND A HALF?? Ok, I thought, it's not that bad. I don't have to rush home, hubby's with Isla, the older girls will be doing their own thing and it will give me the chance to see what the usual class is like. I've been busy since coffee this morning, I can have a seat for a whild.
The table we were sat at faced away from the rest of the hall, I turned my chair side on so I could see what was going on while also trying to speak to the other two newbies. We had a bit of a chat and laugh about why we were there. There was a long queue of ladies up one side of the hall, who then went to the other side to get weighed one by one and have a personal chat to the leader. In the middle of the hall, was a large circle of chairs, which made me instantly think of an alcoholics anonymous meeting, I started to fill with dread, please tell me we don't have to get all personal with each other about our problem eating?!
Once everyone had been weighed, the three of us newbies were invited to sit in the circle and join in the meeting with the members that stayed. About two thirds of the members just get weighed and leave. The leader had announced some winning losses and we clapped, part of me was uncomfortable, the other part of me was trying to convince myself to just accept it and enjoy. The group was having a tasting evening, quite a few members had cooked dishes and taken them in and they were enjoying the food. Us newbies were taken back to the table and quickly told about the eating plan. Then it was back into the circle for some games (mmmmmmm?) and the end of class.
We stayed and registered and then got weighed! Eventually, I got home. I tried to have a quick look through the plan, but I was also hungry so had the rest of my dinner and watched Tuesday nigths quality TV!So, I have my official start weight. I know how much weight I want to lose in total, I know how much I want to lose this year for the sake of sponsorship.
Just prior to Isla's diagnosis I had attended Weight Watchers for a few weeks so I know exactly how much I've put on during Isla's treatment - 2 stone 3.5lbs. I had put on a stone while pregnant and was already about 2 stone overweight. So the total I want to lose is 5 stone 2.5lbs. For the sake of my sponsorship I am setting a target of exactly 4 stone (56lbs) to lose by 29th November, think thats 42 weeks from yesterday?
So, first weigh in done, I've had my breakfast but still got one cup of coffee to drink. I still need to get my head around this eating plan. Luckily the garage is sorted and the freezer is almost empty. Today I will sort the stuff for car boot sale properly and get them back in the garage, ready to start packing up some kitchen stuff to store in the dining room.
Here's a fat photo - as with other people conscience of being tubby there are not many photos of me, but on Christmas day I wanted a photo with my girls. Here's me with my eldest Becky and youngest Isla.
Monday, 7 February 2011
Introduction!
This is my new blog. Some people may know I did a blog last year telling the story of my daughter's battle with Neuroblastoma and how we fundraised to go on a special holiday. That blog is no longer available. Telling Isla or my story is something I'm leaving for now, but plan to re visit some day.
However, the reason for this blog is to share my weight loss journey, and hopefully fundraise for my daughter Isla at the same time. I'm hoping people will sponsor me as a way of supporting me, and keep me motivated.
For the people that are unaware, my daughter was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, a form of childhood cancer at 5 months old. She has just completed treatment after 22 months. We've just had scans and a urine test taken to see if she's in remission. We know that the MRI is clear, but waiting to hear from the MIBG and urine test, which can sometimes take up to a month?! Isla had stage four Neuroblastoma, intermediate risk. Hopefully she never gets it back but I have no crystal ball. Neuroblastoma has a very high rate of relapse, and we're fundraising for more treatment not currently available in this country if she relapses. If Isla reaches 5 years in remission, then the money will go into research or to help other children with Neuroblastoma.
A month prior to Isla's diagnosis I had just began a diet to lose the baby weight, I was breastfeeding so didn't want to do it sooner. I was doing well on the diet, but the way I found to cope with Isla's illness was to comfort eat or have some wine or vodka when at home, never drunk just enough to help relax.
I'm not ashamed of this, it really helped me mentally. For me, staying strong and sane was a definate priority. I am a lover of food, love cooking, baking, eating and trying new food and dishes. I love cookery programmes. This last couple weeks in the run up to going back into hospital and while in hospital, I've enjoyed treating myself with a take away or chocolate and I find it helps me. I wanted to get to this point before I started the diet, hopefully a fresh start without hospitals and treatment.
Tomorrow evening, I will be joining a 'fat club', so that I can stick to their plan and have a weekly weigh in. I'm hoping the discipline of a weekly step on the scales will keep me motivated. I know what the scales in my house say, but have no idea if they are correct or not, but I have about five stone to lose.
For the sake of my weight loss challenge I will be asking for sponsorship to lose about four stone by 29th November, so just over nine months. For some people this may seem like a long time, but I have polycystic ovary syndrome and find the weight is not easy to shift.
I hope to do this blog at least weekly, maybe detailing what I've had to eat, exercise, what the difficulties and successes are. I know that I use food and drink as my crux, and hope I can change this to exercise instead.
I've done a few diets over the years, and my weight does go up and down, but this is usually dependant on what's going on with life. Today, I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. I once came close to this weight for a period of about one month when I completed my degree. Sitting every night studying for exams, chocolate got me through!
So just now I'm going to soon enjoy finishing my bar of Dairy Milk, and I will report back once I've had my first class at 'fat club'.
However, the reason for this blog is to share my weight loss journey, and hopefully fundraise for my daughter Isla at the same time. I'm hoping people will sponsor me as a way of supporting me, and keep me motivated.
For the people that are unaware, my daughter was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, a form of childhood cancer at 5 months old. She has just completed treatment after 22 months. We've just had scans and a urine test taken to see if she's in remission. We know that the MRI is clear, but waiting to hear from the MIBG and urine test, which can sometimes take up to a month?! Isla had stage four Neuroblastoma, intermediate risk. Hopefully she never gets it back but I have no crystal ball. Neuroblastoma has a very high rate of relapse, and we're fundraising for more treatment not currently available in this country if she relapses. If Isla reaches 5 years in remission, then the money will go into research or to help other children with Neuroblastoma.
A month prior to Isla's diagnosis I had just began a diet to lose the baby weight, I was breastfeeding so didn't want to do it sooner. I was doing well on the diet, but the way I found to cope with Isla's illness was to comfort eat or have some wine or vodka when at home, never drunk just enough to help relax.
I'm not ashamed of this, it really helped me mentally. For me, staying strong and sane was a definate priority. I am a lover of food, love cooking, baking, eating and trying new food and dishes. I love cookery programmes. This last couple weeks in the run up to going back into hospital and while in hospital, I've enjoyed treating myself with a take away or chocolate and I find it helps me. I wanted to get to this point before I started the diet, hopefully a fresh start without hospitals and treatment.
Tomorrow evening, I will be joining a 'fat club', so that I can stick to their plan and have a weekly weigh in. I'm hoping the discipline of a weekly step on the scales will keep me motivated. I know what the scales in my house say, but have no idea if they are correct or not, but I have about five stone to lose.
For the sake of my weight loss challenge I will be asking for sponsorship to lose about four stone by 29th November, so just over nine months. For some people this may seem like a long time, but I have polycystic ovary syndrome and find the weight is not easy to shift.
I hope to do this blog at least weekly, maybe detailing what I've had to eat, exercise, what the difficulties and successes are. I know that I use food and drink as my crux, and hope I can change this to exercise instead.
I've done a few diets over the years, and my weight does go up and down, but this is usually dependant on what's going on with life. Today, I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. I once came close to this weight for a period of about one month when I completed my degree. Sitting every night studying for exams, chocolate got me through!
So just now I'm going to soon enjoy finishing my bar of Dairy Milk, and I will report back once I've had my first class at 'fat club'.
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