February

Thought it was time for an update.  Despite numerous 'bugs' attacking the health of our household this month, Hubby and I are managing to get out for training regularly, missing one weekend.  I have come to an agreement with Cerys, one of my older daughters to babysit for a fee, so far this is working well!

The weather when we're off out has never been great.  Wind, cold, sleet, rain etc.  I guess we've lived in Scotland long enough to be used to this, and on the days of the Kiltwalk's the weather could be terrible and it still wouldn't stop us.

When out walking we've been using the 'Endomondo' tracker on our phones so that we can track our distance, speed and time allowing us to increase the amount we walk each time.  I've shared our last walk on the previous post, although the distance is not accurate as it couldn't pick up the GPS for the first while, hubby's endomondo tracker had a difference of 1.5 miles for the exact same walk.

Our walk on Sunday took us on the Speyside Way from Fochabers to Spey Bay and back again.  A lovely walk, that's almost completely flat, and a different terrain from our previous training walks which have been from Elgin to Lossiemouth on the cycle path and pavements.  There were a few rain showers on Sunday, but it didn't feel too cold walking, I think I'd put too many layers on!  Walking the Speyside Way helps us to familiarise ourselves with the route we'll be walking in September for the Speyside Kiltwalk.

 My Walking Companion

 The Dolphin Centre at Spey Bay - Pit Stop

 Wearing my t-shirt, and keeping warm!

 The view of the Spey mouth at Tugnet

 The mosaic at Spey Bay that we helped to make while in 2nd year at school.

Near the end of our walk.

I've managed to avoid blisters on my feet.  The combination of good walking boots and thousand mile socks are working.  Next time, I'll also be putting moleskin/podiatry felt on my feet as this helped me avoid blisters on last years Kiltwalk.

Hubby also had Isla at her oncology clinic this week.  This was the first time I wasn't at her check-up, but with me working full-time, having had a sick day the previous week and Ross at college part-time it made sense for just Daddy to take her.  It didn't stop me thinking about her all day, even when Ross had texted to say that everything continues to be well, with no signs of disease.  Isla has a regular abdominal ultrasound every three months, and gives a urine sample to be tested for signs of Neuroblastoma.  Isla enjoys her visits to hospital as long as there's no jabby things, and luckily for her they didn't want blood's this time.  

Endomondo Walking Workout

Endomondo Walking Workout: was out walking 9.89 miles in 3h:05m:01s using Endomondo.

Logan's Tartan Army Kiltwalk's

Like the last post, it's been a while.  I last blogged in September after I'd finished my course.  I found out in December I passed so that was a great relief, and makes it worthwhile to have kept on when at times I wanted to give up.  I have been busy working Monday to Friday since then.  A return to full-time work since I went on maternity leave with Isla in August 2008.  I have worked a few days each month since January 2011 when Isla finished treatment, but my focus was Isla, and I enjoyed spending my days with her, selfishly.  Financially, it was extremely tough, but worth it.  Ross is now on terminal leave from the RAF, and is a part-time student, so it's a role reversal in our house at the moment with him at home most days.  I am absolutely loving the work I'm doing at the minute, and I can see my attitude has changed due to what we've been through.

We're at an 'interesting' point in our lives where Ross will soon be looking for a new job, and we'll be looking for a new house.  I don't know where we'll end up, but I do enjoy living where we are just now, whatever will be, will be!

When I last blogged, there was a number of fundraising events going on for Isla's appeal.  These are all now finished.  We're leaving Isla's online donation page open, incase we need to start fundraising again, but not encouraging anymore fundraising for her at this present time.  Isla remains very well, infact better than we had been led to believe all last year.  Just over a year ago, we were told that they weren't happy with the state of Isla's liver, and if there was no improvement in a year, they would order more tests to assess her.  During the scans throughout the year, when I'd asked how her liver was I was always told 'stable' or the same.  When Isla had her liver review in December we were told that Isla's liver was healing nicely and that she had been left with scarring but that her liver was working normally around the scarring.  While we were delighted with the news, I was also upset that we'd been led to believe all year that her liver was not repairing!  Never mind, it's good news.  Isla has now been off treatment two years, and doing amazingly well.  There's not a day goes by where I don't count my blessings at how lucky we are to still have her with us.  Last week, we registered her for the local primary school, that is going to be an emotional day in August!

So, with fundraising for Isla now on the backburner, we decided we needed to focus on something else.  We knew we wanted to do the Kiltwalk again this year, it was such a well organised and supported event last year, and so accessible being on our doorstep, we planned to do it again this year.  When the events for this year were announced in the Sunday Post last year, Ross daftly suggested that he'd like to do three of them, and being as daft as him, I thought 'why the heck not?!'  When we decided to do the Kiltwalk last year, it was all a bit last minute, and we liked the idea of organising a team to support a charity, but knew we didn't have time to organise that.  So this year, we knew which charity we wanted to do it for.  My brother also mentioned that he wanted to do the Hampden one, so when I asked if he was willing to do it for the charity we chose, he was happy to do that too.

The Kiltwalk is all about raising money for Scotland's children, with the partner charities focussing on such.  We both decided that we wanted to support Logan's Fund, a charity close to our hearts that we will always support.  Logan's Fund was set up during 2009 to raise money to take Logan Main abroad for treatment for Neuroblastoma.  Sadly Logan lost his battle in June 2009.  With the remaining fund, his brave parents Chris and Angela decided to keep going with Logan's fund in support of Neuroblastoma and other childhood cancer's in Scotland.  When we decided to fundraise to take Isla to Disneyland Paris at the end of her hospital treatment in July 2010, Logan's Fund came forward to offer us £3000 towards the cost, for this we will always be grateful.  It is not only for supporting Isla that we will be grateful, it is for having the courage to keep fundraising in Logan's name and supporting other families in similar positions, in particular Olivia's family, it must be incredibly difficult to do.  www.logansfund.org 

In honour of Logan, his family and all those families who have been through childhood cancer, we are undertaking three Kiltwalks for Logan's Fund, with 50% of our fundraising benefiting this charity.  The remaining 50% is split between the Kiltwalk's partner charities.  We are inviting people to come and join our team for each one, so far we have 7 people for the Hampden Kiltwalk, 4 for Edinburgh and lots of interest for Speyside.

I have thought often about changing the name of this blog, as the 'slim' part never seems to be happening, but it is a goal that I hope to achieve at some point, so I will leave it as it is.  I had given up on the gym during last summer when I was trying to get on with my coursework, but I'm back at it.  Training in the gym is where I'll stay until the weather warms up a bit, I really can't stand the cold when exercising!  With training underway I'll leave the blog at that just now, and if you're feeling generous, this is where you can donate
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/simpsons4logan

It's been a while!

It has been a while.  I really ought to change the name of this blog too, as the diet never seems to be happening.  I'm back to the same weight I was a year ago with the hope of starting a diet imminently.

What all to tell you since I last blogged? The summer I needed some time to relax, unwind, enjoy my family before getting into study.  My eldest went off on scout jamboree, while the rest of the family enjoyed a holiday to Tenerife. We stayed in Golf del Sur in Tenerife, which was peaceful and just what was needed.  The weather was brilliant and Isla enjoyed the pool everyday.  Focusing on family has been a way to get through stuff and allow me to relax a little and prepare me before I locked myself away in my bedroom to complete my last assignment for my Open University course.

My last assignment was completed last weekend, and I feel an immense sense of relief to have completed the course.  I was so tempted to quit about half way through, just because focus on study was sometimes difficult, but having got to half way and having paid for the course I was determined to finish and hopefully pass.  I don't find out if I've passed until December, a long wait!    I'm sure going through a difficult time affects the brain's ability to focus and produce academic assignments, as it doesn't come as easy as it once would have.  I have found this year difficult, watching my support network of oncology parents going through hell losing their children.  Study has given me a distraction.  I was a little tempted to continue studying wiht another course, but I know it would just be too much, so giving myself time off from that kind of study this year, and I will complete my masters at some point.

Holiday and study have not been ideal for watching the diet or exercise, but hopefully I'll get back into it.  I'm really looking forward to getting back to the gym, I really enjoyed it.  Exercise was a great way to shut off the world and just get rid of stress.  I'm definitely feeling the weight back on my hips and daren't try on the jeans I was wearing before summer.  I want to be fitter and leaner for next years Speyside Kiltwalk so I can do the whole thing.

Over the summer, we came to the decision to stop fundraising for Isla's appeal.  We wanted a safety net incase Isla relapsed to give us options for treatment that might not be available to us in the UK.  It was not an easy decision setting up the appeal, and it has been emotionally difficult to fundraise aswell.  One thing we did want to fundraise for, was for research into Neuroblastoma, and we certainly hope that Isla gets the 'All Clear' in the future, and that is what the money in Isla's appeal will go to.  Recently, we've had a lot of support from others offering to do events for Isla, and we're so grateful.  Co-operative at Pansport Elgin has a charity bucket, a local woman who has set up 3 online auctions for Isla, and a friend organised a pamper evening in a local hall.  The ladies from Spey Bay golf club organised an open greensome, Fabulous hairdressing from Lossiemouth is having it's second fun day on 15th September and as I type my cousin Gareth and girlfriend Debbie are cycling from Lands End to John O Groats.  Please do visit their blog http://dnglejog.blogspot.co.uk/  it's a great read, even just to note the food they're eating!  We're feeling a little overwhelmed at the support, and so grateful that others are thinking of us.  But after this year, we want to concentrate on fundraising for others.  When (if) Isla gets the all clear, then we may do one last event to raise money for research.  Please sponsor Gareth and Debbie here - https://www.charitiestrust.org/members_data/event/1000_miles_10_days_one_bike_one_charity_lejog_4_f_a_n_/index.html

The next challenge for us probably will be next years Speyside Kiltwalk, we've decided to also raise money for Logan's Fund through doing this.  Team's of 6 or more can nominate a local charity that half the money they raise will be donated to.  Logan's Fund is very close to our hearts.  They gifted Isla money to go on holiday just as her hospital treatment finished, and we had such a magical time.  Logan's parents lost their firstborn to Neuroblastoma in the summer of 2009, not long after Isla was diagnosed, and continue to fundraise in his name to support local children and Neuroblastoma charities.  By helping Logan's Fund, we want to help pay back for the support we've received and to help others.

Cancer Sucks

Once again, it's been a while since I've posted!  Oops, not too good at this am I?
The diet?  Ha ha ha, when we went on holiday to Calum's Cabin at the beginning of April, I decided to take a week off the diet, and then the kiltwalk was approaching, so I carried on a little bit more for training purposes!  (cough*)  Anyway, the gist is I'm not dieting.  With a big fat essay and Isla's hospital check-up hanging over my head, I've been in no mood to diet.
Of course, that's not the only thing stopping me from dieting.  I am a comfort eater, I eat when I'm down.  Yes, I'm feeling a bit down, not depressed, just kinda sad.
And if you were in my shoes, you'd be sad too. Within the network of oncology families that I know there has been quite a bit of bad news, which I guess comes with the territory, but difficult when it's people you're close to.  Last time I blogged I told you about beautiful Lewis.  Sadly Lewis gained his angel wings about a month ago.  I really thought Lewis was one of the kids who was going to beat the disease, and so did many others.  For his cancer to come back so aggressive and take him so quick was a shock to many.
More recently our little friend Olivia has become unwell in a hospital in Mexico.  When we first went into hospital with Isla, Olivia was the first oncology child we seen.  She was often being carried around in her Dad's arms.  Unfortunately we were not in that thospital long when Isla needed to go to another hospital for treatment.  When we returned to the hospital Olivia was one of the kids who was always on the ward.  The summer of 2009 saw a group of families who were always in the hospital.  Olivia liked to come and play with Isla, as Isla was just a baby (Olivia loves babies), or Olivia and other friends were capering on the ward, squirting water from the syringes at the doctors.  Olivia is a great little kid, strong personality with a wicked grin and a lovely mischievious side.  She would always give us a chuckle when she was telling her parents off for something in that cute doric voice she has.  During our time in hospital we got to know Olivias parents.  As Isla and Olivia both had neuroblastoma we would discuss the stage in treatment, Olivia was about six weeks ahead of Isla with the treatment protocol.  Unfortunately Olivia's parents have had to seek furhter treatment for Olivia not offered in this country.  It's not been easy for them having to raise money and battle with higher powers to get treatment, and deal with negative remarks from joe public.  All Olivia's parents have ever wanted was a chance to give their daugher the life she deserves and what parent wouldn't?  Olivia went to Germany for immunotherapy, but still her cancer remained.  Olivia's parents tried another treatment, that showed great results.  Unfortunately Olivia's cancer persisted.  Olivia's parents have used an integrated approach to Olivia's treatment, using homeopathic treatments in a bid to rid Olivia of her cancer.  More recently the family decided to try a treatment in Mexico that has shown great results in other children from the UK.  Unfortunately Olivia's condition worsened, the long travel was tough on her body.  Olivia did start the treatment, and asked doctors to find out the sex of the baby in mummy's tummy, which they did.  However, Olivia showed no response, only growing more weak.  The sad situation is now the family need to take Olivia home so she can be at rest with her loved ones around her.  Currently she is in intesive care in a hospital in Mexico, her parents cannot stay with Olivia at all times, so instead take it in turns to stay outside of her room while the other takes care of her little sister. The doctors are trying to stabilise Olivia so that she will be fit enough to fly.  I so wish that Olivia and her parents get home to be with the support they need, to get to be togehter, instead of lying on a hospital floor outside Olivia's room.
Thankfully, the media has run with her story, and celebs have tweeted, and the money has come pouring in today, although the target has not been reached, and the longer she stays in Mexico the higher the treatment costs will be.  Unfortunately some members of the public have aired their views on a newspaper website and Olivia's mum has read them.  Obviously their mothers didn't teach them what my mum did - 'if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all'!  There is a flight on standby waiting for Olivia to be stable enough to fly.  I do hope that she can get home.  My heart breaks for what her parents are having to go through.  No parent should watch their child suffer.
If you've come across my blog, and are tired and feel like you have had a bad week at work, stop and think for a minute.  If you have children, remember to cherish them, even if they're teenagers and driving you round the bend, hopefully they will grow out of it.  I know Olivia's parents would love for Olivia to be that annoying teenager still telling them off!  If you want to donate to Olivia's appeal to help get her home and pay for her treatment in Mexico, you can do so here - www.justgiving.com/olivia-downie

The First Speyside Kiltwalk 2012

We did it!  16 miles from Fochabers to Aberlour via the Speyside Way.  A very well organised charity event, and I was so proud to be part of it.

The above photo was the walkers leaving from Fochabers gathered in the Public Institute.  We chose Fochabers rather than Buckie (26 mile walk) as we only decided to join this event about 3 weeks ago, and knew we couldn't get in the training required to walk longer.  It also meant it was handy for babysitting.  Granny and Grandad live in Fochabers, so we dropped Isla off straight after we registered at 10am, then headed back to the Institute to have a cup of coffee and just get into the feel of things.   I had woken in the morning with a nervous energy, and was desperate to just get started.  The walk started at 11.30am, so it was quite a wait beforehand, but also great to just see the amount of people taking part.

Ross and I enjoying the atmosphere in the hall.

Gathering outside ready for the pipe band to start up.

    The Speyside organiser Jim Hart giving us a warm up/send off speech.

Starting off down Fochabers High Street, following the pipe band.  I'm in the pink jacket.

Starting the walk with the pipe band was a great touch, and helped create the atmosphere.  You felt like you were marching for purpose, which of course we were.  Obviously it is a slow walk following a pipe band.  The band led us right to the edge of the town, and we were free to climb the brae to Ordiquish on our own.  That was a nice gentle brae, that got a little steeper the higher we went, to the earth pillars.  You get your first glimpse of the Spey at this point.

 Approaching the earth pillars.

 The top of the steep brae at Carfaly (sp?).

After the earth pillars was a welcome downhill.  Just as you get relief from walking downhill your eyes are drawn to the steep hill just round the bend.  That was a tough hill to climb.  I started with big strides hoping my legs would power me up, but half way my lungs were struggling so I had to switch to smaller steps which was easier.  I did see stars when we got to the top of that hill.  From there it was still uphill but on a gentler incline.  Things flattened out for a while on a twisty turny road.  Then came the descent to Boat o Brig, which we ended running down as it was so steep our toes were being squashed.  Five and a half miles in was our first pit stop, a welcome toilet break, and a range of snacks and water bottles.  Ross was feeling pain in his feet so ended up applying some mole skin (podiatry felt for feet) to the sore area.  I had already done that in the morning to the areas that had got hot during previous walks, as well as put some cushion things around my toes, and some all day suncream to my face and arms.  That was a long stop after a run down the hill. 

We were almost a third of the way at this point.  The start of this route was up a steep set of steps then onto a wider path with a gradual incline that led round some fields to the Ben Aigan.  I found the steps and path quite tough after the stop, and wished we hadn't stopped so long.  I was glad for our walking poles for this stage and started to use one.

 

Into the forest was a very muddy path with large puddles and hills.  It was a constant uphill with some parts very steep.  There was also evidence of fallen trees from recent high winds.

We were overtaken by a few individuals and groups on the uphill, it was really hard going.  The road opened up a bit and was thankfully dry again, but still uphill.  One gentleman that passed had commented that the uphill was 'relentless'.  I love that word, and was so fitting for the climb, you never thought you were going to get to the top of the hill.  It also echoed the thoughts in my head, the reasons for doing this. For sick children and their families.  I constantly thought of our journey with Isla, how I never looked too far ahead, just concentrated on getting through each moment/treatment/hurdle, one foot in front of the other to keep going, the same attitude, Isla's journey seemed relentless, as I bet thousands of others do when dealing with sick kids.  Thoughts of a dear friend were also invading my head, her son was losing his fight for life as we were taking part in the walk. 

I had been tracking my walk with my android phone and realised that from Boat o Brig it is three miles constant uphill.  My sciatica had kicked in at this point, but thankfully we'd packed Ibuprofen.  The trees cleared to give a beautiful view once the uphill climb had been reached.  My phone battery died at this point too, so I couldn't keep track of how far, but I was glad to get to half way in two and a half hours.

Thankfully the route was either flat or gradual downhill from this point on.  My sciatica also disappeared. We made up some time to the next checkpoint, where we were given a bag of sweets, the cola cube hit the spot.  We had just five miles to go now, so two thirds complete.  I didn't want to stop too long as I didn't want to lose momentum incase there was more uphill.    One of the ladies we'd chatted to on the uphill at Ben Aigan, was complaining of pain, and saying that she didn't think she could go on.  I gave her some of my ibuprofen, and said that mine kicked in quick. 

The views were great at this stage, seeing Rothes from afar, but it did seem like we seen Rothes for ages from the angle we were at.  I really enjoyed this part of the walk.  I did panic when I seen a fork in the road with one part uphill and one part downhill, thankfully ours was the downhill route.  The downhill route I recognised as the road to Craigellachie.  Going downhill obviously helps to make up time.  At the next pit stop we were told there was 2 miles to go.  Ross had his phone on and we checked the time which was half past three, so we were four hours in.  I called my mum to tell her how far left we had to go, so that they could come to meet us at the finish line.  The next mile was a narrower but flat path close to the river.  I remember thinking that we must be about one mile from the finish when I seen a sign on a gate to say so.  We had signs at half mile and 400m, which was great and kept you going.

We crossed the line just after 4pm to the sound of the pipe band, with Isla running up to us for a cuddle.  She was a bit bewildered by the situation, crowds of people, pipe band etc.  But she had fun marching around with a walking pole with her cousin Aria.  As we were checking in I heard the MFR man state that 480+ people had registered for the walk on the day and that 260 so far had completed.  I was happy that we were about the half way placing.  But I obviously misheard, my Dad said it was 60 people who'd completed at this stage.  So I was even more pleased with our progress.  For completing the walk, we were entitled to a free burger, a whisky miniature, more water, and more importantly a medal.  I was so grateful for the burger.  I'd had a creme egg at the first stop and sooked on a few cola cubes, but I didn't want more sugar at this stage and I was really hungry.

Caught unaware for photo.

Enjoying the atmosphere, watching people finish.

We did wait around for a further two hours in the cold wind watching people finish.  We seen quite a lot of people we knew finish.  One of the people we seen finish was a man we'd met during Isla's treatment.  His son was fighting leaukaemia that had developed from his treatment for Crohns.  Sadly his son passed away while we were in hospital.  It was nice to speak to his parents again.  There were quite a few teams taking part in order to benefit a local children's charity they supported.  A constant reminder of why raising the money is important.  I was very pleased to see the girl finish who had said she felt like she couldn't go on at the second pit stop.  I was also proud of our local MSP for taking part in the 16 mile walk and complete it.  It was a great day.  I did make the comment to my mum, that it was a bit like labour, you're so happy to finish you forget the pain, and dare I say quite prepared to go through it all again.  It was a very well run event, the pit stops were well placed with a choice of free refreshments to keep you going, the pipe bands added a community atmosphere, and there were a lot of people helping on the day.  Well done to all the organisers, sponsors, helpers, supporters.  Hopefully see you next year!

oh and p.s. we're a little short of our target so would appreciate a donation!

Lessons we learn and the lessons we learn from trying to learn from them?

My last post was mainly about the new challenge I'm taking part in, and the weight loss (or not)!  I don't blog much about Isla now.  I did have an old blog telling Isla's story, about what we went through with Isla's treatment, but that is no longer available.
As Isla has been off treatment and getting older I try to focus on the rest of our life.  Many people that we meet have no idea of what she's been through, including most of the children she knows, and with Isla being so young (3 years old) that seems easiest.  I've put Isla's journey away into a little box inside my head, as a way of coping.  The lid of that box is not firmly shut, infact one flap won't stick down.  I don't want it to stick down.  It's my daily reminder to cherish every moment with her as we never know what's around the corner and to keep doing my bit for awareness, for charity, for children and for cancer.  I don't know if that's the best way to deal with life.  Sometimes I think it might be easier to carry on as if it never happened, but I couldn't.  The lesson I took away from her journey was to make the most of life and not to worry about the small things.  
I know the box is large and even with it closed, it takes up a lot of head room.  When Isla has any medical tests or scans are approaching is a time when the box is open and I get anxious worrying if I need to unpack that box and start to live that life again.  We're currently waiting on dates for her 6 month scans that are due at the end of May so the anxiety is creeping up.
When Isla was diagnosed I'd not long began using Facebook and then found some other families with children who were suffering from Neuroblastoma and other childhood cancers.  Facebook was an easy way for me to update friends and family on Isla's progress from hospital at a time when I found it hard to explain to people what she was going through, and didn't have to repeat myself over and over to lots of different people.  Updating facebook and one text to my sister was all that was needed to keep people updated, and allowed me to concentrate on taking care of Isla.  The network of Neuroblastoma and oncology families I found on facebook was great, and I've made lots of friends going through similar things who can support you when times are tough.  Of course, not everyone in the oncology world gets along, people have different views and opinions, and can fall out.  But mostly, eveyone supports each other.
One of the the oncology mum's who is always offering support and has such a positive attitude is Jaime Mighty.  Her son Lewis fought Neuroblastoma.  We first met Jaime (for real, not just facebook) and her family at an outing with the charity Families Against Neuroblastoma at Alton Towers two years ago.  It was only a quick introduction as people ended up doing different things.  We met them again last year at Drayton Manor.  My elder daughters Becky and Cerys are ages with Jaime's oldest children and so ended up hanging out with them most of that day while we did things with the little people.  The girls enjoyed their time that day.  Jaime is always such a positive person and always offering support if others have any worries.  I always take comfort when Jaime offers advice to me.  Currently Lewis is in hospital recovering from a very nasty infection, I hope he shows signs of recovery quickly.  I'm really sorry that they're having to go through another hospital admission with all that he's been through in his young life.  I know his family will bounce back with positivity.
Lewis being unwell is also a reminder to many families that their battle may never be over.  Many of the children who achieve remission, regressive or stable disease are often left with some complications from the side-effects of treatment.  A child may recover from cancer but be left with many other complications that they have to deal with for the rest of their life.  Some children who have had neuroblastoma can be left paralysed from the tumour and spend the rest of their life in a wheelchair.  Their journey doesn't end with remission, just changes course.  There's not much information out there on the late effects of the treatment, so it's a case of waiting to see what happens to each child.  Isla has been left with a large nodulated liver and enlarge spleen.  We have been told that she has 'liver disease with varisces', and there could be complications in the future.  Currently Isla is well and her liver functions normally, and we're extremely grateful for that.  A future of constant hospital appointments is a sobering reality, and a reminder to make the most of life.
Staying positive is hard.  Since Isla's diagnosis, I do have a bigger appreciation for life.  I've focused a lot of energy into being a stay at home mum, spending lots of quality time with Isla.  I know I missed out on some of the older girls pre-school years being at college then working.  I've wanted to be at home taking care of the girls and the house, making sure I have time for the girls if they need me, rather than sitting doing work when at home, rushing to do all the things a working mother does.  I've also wanted to work part-time for my own sanity, to have adult conversation and because I actually really love my job.  I only work occasionally due to childcare arrangements.  Lately though I've grown really fed up of being a stay at home mum, it's getting tedious, cleaning and cooking etc.  I love the time with Isla, but feel guilty for wanting to get away from a role I embraced after Isla's diagnosis.  I also feel guilty for wanting to desert the thousands of women who make that choice to be a stay at home mum, at a time when women are encouraged to work.  Financially, it absolutely sucks to be a stay at home mum.  Living as a family of five on one wage in the current economic climate is hard.  Most of the money after bills is for food and fuel, nothing left for treats, and there's always an unexpected bill that creeps up, like my recent car bill for almost £600 (suspension and tyres)!  The other day we went shopping as Isla needed new shoes and I had some birthday money.  I did find myself some badly needed shoes and a top in the sales, but felt guilty for buying them, and then felt awful that I spend my time in old worn out clothes and never make the effort to look good.  Shopping is just depressing when you have little money.  It's a reminder that you need new clothes and you neglect yourself. Being a woman in this day and age is hard, you're expected to look good at all times, bring up well-rounded children, have a job, take care of the home etc.  Having the audacity to moan about these things is difficult for me after what we've been through, and is not the morm for me at all, but I guess that's what is happening to me being fed up of staying at home! 
In order to get a job in the future I decided to study for an extra qualification while at home.  I underestimated the focus I would need to complete a course and realised that Isla likes my undivided attention while at home!  With that large box in my head, my concentration and self-discipline at home is not what it once was, I would definately be better studying at a brick building away from home rather than virtually.  Having the money for childcare is a struggle, and can only be done when working and not to allow me days to study.  When hubby is not working he's also busy studying and quality time together for us is few and far between.  Both of us trying to find time to study is not adhering to the lessons learned.  I like our family time, and as children grow and would rather do their own thing with friends, I appreciate watching Isla at this stage in her life.  I admit to only doing the bare minimum for the course I'm studying.  I've often thought about giving up on the course, resenting the time away from other things, but I've paid for it and want to complete it, and if it helps me secure a job then I'll be glad to have done it, even if it's making me miserable currently.  Studying with young children is definately not something I'd recommend.  That's my current battle with my head and heart just now; finding time to study, boredom of being a housewife and the want to secure full time employment while also being able to spend quality time with my family.  That battle is a much easier one that what we were dealing with this time 3 years ago.  The fact that I have this battle makes me feel guilty, as I know we're in a much better place.
Exactly three years ago, Isla was fighting an abcess, septicemia, chylous ascites, infections and close to organ failure, while badly needing chemotherapy to kill the cancer that was all over her body, chemotherapy that could kill her in that current state.  It was definately the worst thing we went through.  Isla did not sleep much, she was uncomfortable, she didn't make a sound or smile like she had done just a month previously.  That period of time sits at the top of the box, as a reminder that we were very close to losing her.  A large team of doctors creating a specific plan in a great hospital is what helped Isla to be well enough to continue with chemotherapy.  Isla was seriously ill for about six weeks.  The night she smiled and made a sound was a moment I'll never forget, sounds of recovery.  Just a nasty cancer to fight!  The fear of  living through that again will always be there.  Keeping it in a box allows us to carry on.  Enjoying life with Isla, having hope for her future are always at the forefront of my mind. Witnessing the amount of sick children in hospital, spending time in intensive care, high dependency, oncology wards, waiting rooms is not something you can seal away in a box.  The memory of that time is what will keep me going this Sunday when I walk with 500 other people along the Speyside Way for Scotlands sick children.  If children can endure repeated visits to hospitals with procedures, treatments, the least I can do is have a little walk and raise some money to make life for them more bearable.  Please consider donating to the kiltwalk.  20% of the money goes to Clic Sargent, a charity close to our hearts.